I think Sandi is probably right. I think "I'm not happy" often covers a lot of ground in their minds and they don't want to go into the specifics...because I think the specifics are either too ugly (other person involved, etc.) or they're fuzzy and they don't have any real handle on it other than the 'grass is greener' syndrome.
I can say that having no contact with the W has been helpful. I've actually had some anxiety over it the few times we've talked and have generally preferred to avoid any interaction at all. Once you get over that initial 'withdrawal', it really helps.
I believe that the time we spend together, even though it feels kinda nice, is not helping. It gives me, and the boys, hopes. (I'm not projecting, they constantly ask) Also, it allows her large portions of cake. She has me for financial support, and whenever we are in public, she treats me like a H. If it's convenient. I have to put a stop to it, whatever that looks like.
W may be having an affair, I wouldn't know. She spends a lot of her kid free time with her parents, aunt, whoever. Lately she has been telling me what she does whenever I have the boys. I haven't asked, she volunteers it.
I know that I feel I have done a lot of work on myself. I'm not done. My priest/counselor told me that I am doing very well, and we aren't doing weekly meetings anymore. Maybe once a month now. He is still helpful, but is weaning me off of the need for counseling. That's pretty cool, and I am proud of that.
I have recently realized a past problem cycle. I tried to be superdad. Which, to me meant to sacrifice my wants for my family. I worked tons of OT, drove junk, moved to give then more of what they want. I don't regret any of it. But, I didn't realize what it did to me. I was trying to be selfless, and provide. It upset everyone else that I wasn't around all the time. So they were upset with me for trying to give then money enough to do everything. Which made me grumpy, and I would grab a beer to escape. That became a habit. Not healthy, but I did it. Then I felt guilty, and we repeated the cycle.
At least I know this now. I will not do it again. I love my kids, but especially now, I want to hang out with them more than giving them a new game or basketball tickets or whatever.
I'm gaining ground. That is a positive.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Unfortunately I love reading your posts because it comes out straight, hardcore. As all here, I wish I were reading something else.
My question to your comments is how do you know when your W does want back really. Most cases I read about here are extreme obvious situations where W fully acknowledges say she has OM, goes out at night, texts OM in front of H etc.
What happens when things arent so clear. When W was caught out, did apologize, showing remorse does not go out at night, does not text (at least blatantly) OM and when she is texting infront of H mentions to who, spends rest of time in places where there is no doubt she is not with OM, does initiate conversations and in general act like a W. How then do you know if she has gone deeper underground or is trying to make it work?
In my case it is similar to above, hence examples, but yet other night I saw her coming out of gim with OM just talking and for about 100m. They then departed. When I confronted her she said they were just talking because she found out his wife has the big C. I told her when sh1t hit the fan months back NC meant NC. It took her a while and some serious discussion to understand she hurt my feelings and that trust was damaged.
She has promised never to speak to him again and even went on her knees (literally) to say sorry for what she has done. I threw out some of her stuff from the MBR and cut off her data line from her phone as per your rules.
She has vowed to work on our M as she wants a M life. Question is is she really remorseful? Does one still treat W like this as a WW? Does one detach and let her do all the work or begin piecing?
Sorry for hijacking but sometimes I find situations are not always so clear cut or black and white but often with lots of shades of grey.
I've been thinking a lot about your situation. You may or may not be making progress. We don't want you to lose any progress you may have made. You would like to understand exactly what W sees as your future. You cannot stay in limbo forever.
Last week, you'd planned to wait until after the holidays to talk. What's wrong with that plan? Just stick to that, since there's not much time left anyways. In the meantime, pull back a bit so that you're not always available...Be a little hard to get.
After the holidays, have your talk. If she puts you in the friend zone, you'll know exactly what to do and there will be no confusion next time. Maybe the holidays will be magical and you won't need a talk. Who knows? But it won't really hurt anything to leave it alone for now, whereas it could hurt a LOT to push the issue.
Have you found any sleds to trick out? Birdhouses are a fun project this time of year, too. Dad, crafts, and the outdoors? Your boys will be in daddy-luvin' heaven!
Ancaire, I have feelers out for an old sled. I love the idea! I will try and hold out on the talk. I just dropped the boys off after our biweekly wing night. They had fun. Heard this little exchange before I left.
S6 (soon to be s7) : mom, I know what one of my presents from you could be. Have daddy move back home.
W just said s6/7 name. You know the way only a parent can to tell them to drop it.
W was opening up more about work, and volunteering at the school. I tried to validate her. She complained about feeling like one of few who tries to do everything for the kids. It's fulfilling and far too demanding, since most won't do it. It is a part of what got us here too. Trying to be super parents, and sacrificing us in the process.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Your W makes zero sense to me. Back when my kids were little, and I was putting in my time being full-time mom and full-time volunteer, there would have been ZERO chance I would have released my kung-fu grip on H long enough for him to sneak off, much less willingly leave him! I needed his help too much for that. I keep looking at the age of your boys and wondering "what on earth?"
I understand that you're saying you guys were focused on other things, but something doesn't make sense for me, D. I'm curious - what do your family members think is going on? Have they come up with any interesting theories?
Your situation is a real puzzle...I completely understand why you're confused.
My own family thinks she's gone nuts. Or at least tells me that they don't understand. Mlc, a, lost weight and loves the attention, etc.
I think there is a bit of Mlc in there. In the last year she mentioned buying a Harley, having another baby, etc. I think she has lost her way and lost herself. Her own dad said at first he thought she was cheating. They were completely against what she's doing, and fought her on it. I think in convincing them how "unhappy" she was, she convinced herself
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
On another W is confusing me topic... W told me last night that she had pics of the boys to give to my (very protective) older cousin. She didn't give them to me to deliver, so she plans on doing it. Then, she told me that she had texted my sister (who I lived with for 3 months of being a basket case, she helped me through my worst) and sent her some pics. Then asked if she would call her and invite her to a preschool thing for S4. I asked her why she felt the need to ask, of course she should invite her.
Mindreading, of course, but I wonder if she is starting to try to reach out to my family to test the waters a bit? That is of course my wishful thinking. But she has sealed herself off from my family for the last 4 or 5 months. So maybe...
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
