Dropping the Rope V

[Zephyr]

Ancaire, I will respond this weekend. I have a ton of thoughts to put to paper.

I also started a post on you r thread regarding the dynamic shift that I will also finish this weekend. (We had people over last night, and are going to Darius Rucker concert tonight I another town so will be off line most of today.

I did want to say thank you again. It seams the universe has put us both here for a reason and I will not let this chance go by without taking you up on your offer tk further this discussion.

I appreciate your willingness to talk to me, a complete stranger, about this and give me your perspective and insight ... because honestly I need that right now.

Thank you so very much!!!!!

[isittoolate]

Early in my MR with W, the issue of CSA came to light. W had vague memories of her Father abusing her. She never opened up to me about it (no detail as to what happened, how often, and for how long) though she did ask her sister if she had been abused as well. W is 2/3 years older than sister. Sister said no.

W has buried it, in terms of talking to me about it. She did have IC after the birth of S8, for post natal depression so she might have told the counsellor?

She now says that the PND counselling was MR counselling! That's not what I remember - rewriting history?

[Ancaire]

W has buried it, in terms of talking to me about it. She did have IC after the birth of S8, for post natal depression so she might have told the counsellor?

She now says that the PND counselling was MR counselling! That's not what I remember - rewriting history?

I discussed it once with H, and never again. It's hard to describe how gross it makes you feel. I am talking about it with IC, and willing to touch lightly on it here, to help.

PND counseling was MR counseling! LMAO Rewriting history? Maybe, maybe not. Her post-natal depression might have taken the form of hating everything about you, so now she's confused. Right? Come on, laugh with me.

I'm a bit irritated with WAS, both genders, today. Grrr...

[roist]

Z, I have remained fairly silent on your new threadmostly because I feel others can help you understand things better ESP Anc. I think she can really be good to have in your ear at the moment.

I will just add a few thoughts that I have had though.

Firstly I don't think you need to convince yourself or others when you are finished. I believe that we will know that when it arrives. So maybe you are looking for support and help to continue.If that is true I hope we can help.

Summarising your first post. You are not to blame and she is not to blame for the downfall of your M. Or at least in it's salvation.YYes that does come across that you are accepting an inevitable end. I will just say that this could be also the beginning of letting go that rope. You have been great in your efforts to save M. What you put up with for so long. All the reading, learning and implementing is commendable. Your GAL activities were at least for me inspirational.As you said, you have looked within and made the needed changes. You can be proud of all of that and have no shame if M ends.

As you are now digging deeper into W's issues, which shows you are not done, you may be focusing too much on her side if the fence. It is important to understand the situation and I am definitely not saying it is wrong. But just keep some focus and energy on you.

Last point. You have been forever present as a strong rock of love, that has always been there for your W. If you do get to the point of having enough, I'd ask you to consider removing this from your W first. If she feels she can never lose you, she may never have the motivation to really try. After years of effort you could be inclined (or pushed by a moment of frustration) to just make a quick clean break. I hope that you understand thus us meant as friendly advice and not judging you or your thinking.

Happy thoughts my friend

[Zephyr]

Thanks roiste! I know that when you type to me it comes from a.place of caring, so I don't see judgement there.

I know I am not done yet, there are days when the it seem like a path that might not be a bad idea...others it is inconcievable.

This weekend we dropped kids and dog at my folks house and went out to the quad cities for Darius Rucker and David nail concert.

What.am amazing time. You could tell she was trying to be engaging. I could honestly say it was just awesome. She had gone out and gotten a new outfit (taking large input of what she knows I like) we had drinks and dinner, watched part of the Hawkeyes football game, watched the sunset on the Mississippi river. Enjoyed the hell out of the concert. Lots and lots of kissing, hugging, hand holding, laughter...it was wonderful.

After show both just wrecked tired so we went back to 5he hotel and fell asleep pretty quick. I had zero expectations for sex (seems like when I think it would be a good time...never happens). When we got up in the am, I rubbed her hip, one rhing let to another and well, we had some very good sex.

After thathat we got out stuff ready and headed back to town to get the kids. I tried to keep that whole excitement and closeNess going, but it was gone.

Where am I going here. Did she try, yes. Does she love me stull, i really believe so. Was the weekend amazing, yes. It was...but this is the exception. It showed me like so many confusing times over the last year, what our marriage could be. I just done think she is capable of being that engaged for very long and that is sad.

Not to get into too much with the issues, but I think that I still have a lot to think about on what to do. I am not willing to thow it all away. On the other hand of the conversatuon, I really do not like the periods in between the engaged / affectionate / open woman and the closed off one. While she pulls back, I have learned nothing I do will draw her closer. She needs to be.

Thank you so much for your note!

[Zephyr]

Anc, I am still putting noted together for your thread.

[Zephyr]

Oh I forgot about something that happened on the weekend...

At one point is was when we first arrived at the hotel, it seamed like she hit a switch to try to destroy the good time error were having. She started complaining about everything with the room, location, temperature, time.

I didn't bite. I listened to her complaints, validated when necessary, even offered to go and have them switch out room because of all the 'problems' with it.

I was not going to let my night be ruined. After a little while longer, the conversations and fun wife found their way back to the forefront and the rest is history.

I can't tell you how many times I can remember where her shifts like that threw me into a tizzy where I felt I needed to fix it, or make it better or got sour that my efforts weren't good enough...I was not taking the bait

[mutatio]

Today is a new day. Expect nothing and accept what the universe offers.

[roist]

I know I am not done yet, there are days when the it seem like a path that might not be a bad idea...others it is inconcievable.!

Yes I understand this conflict.

I can also understand your frustration or questioning of the weekends events. If you must analyse it, which version of W was true? Maybe both if she is conflicted. But if as you infer, she was genuinely actively trying and enjoying herself, that is huge. The fickleness of attitude must be difficult to digest, but ye are sharing great moments together. Maybe in time the gaps will diminish or disappear. The good moments appear to be: increasing.

[Ancaire]

Z and friends....today I'm loving the universe, because it really does seem like we've all been put together for a purpose, and a good one at that.

I am an imperfect human. I made so many mistakes in my M. I'm sorry it all fell apart, but I cannot for one second be sorry that I was led here. I definitely hurt my H. But as I've mentioned, I really hurt my children as much as, if not more than H, by my inability (before now) to take charge of and manage my depression issues.

Had I not found this site, I probably would have just continued my downward spiral even more quickly. I know where it would have led, and my children would have been destroyed. Post-DB? I've been working so hard to be the best person I can be. At first, for my M - but increasingly more for myself than anything - the greatest gift of all? My relationship with my children continues to heal and improve daily. I wasn't aware of the damage, but honest conversation, open hearts, and a spirit of forgiveness and compassion is changing all that.

I cannot say with words how thankful and blessed I have been to be given such an opportunity. DB has positively impacted 6 very fractured and hurt lives. Who's to say #7 won't eventually join us one day?

Thank you, friends! I hold you all so dear.