I just read the "what you focus on expands" thread....I needed to find it, because I'm really in a state of fear, "waiting for the other shoe to drop". this weekend was so great...H didn't do "paperwork", I know he didn't go to see OW because he was home all weekend other than when he went for a long walk. He seemed pleasant and content enough, although a little bit preoccupied and looked kind of sad at times. It was so great to have him at home....I felt better than I have in 8 0r 9 months I bet.
yet I'm having such a hard time just focusing on the "good stuff" and believing it can be real....there are still inconsistencies from his story about Thursday that don't add up, he's read my email from thursday but not responded or emailed me.... we still havent gone shopping for weights, and he made the comment that he didn't know if he wanted to put anything in the basement that was too hard to get out (???).... He's said he & OW are "still friends" and still talk, which concerns me..... He's told me lies before, so it's really hard to accept this one.
But, I just am so blown away by how great this weekend was...I don't know if he enjoyed it as much as I did or not...I hope so...last night we actually sat and talked by ourselves for maybe 20 miutes after we watched a movie w/S, and laughed about some of the things he told me when we were dating a million years ago.... He is talking about all the mowing he will have to do next weekend, and how much work he's got to do to get his mower running.....maybe that's his way of saying he's going to stay home....
One thing I learned with my H is that you don't have to believe them in order to trust them. In other words, you may not believe their words, but you can trust them to do the right thing-eventually. Yes, it's in their timeframe, not yourse, which stinks, but at least it is done. Your goal is met, even if you have to wait.
I would choose to trust your H, he is certainly making an effort.
Hi Rottz, thanks for the input. I don't know what I'd do with out it. I feel in my heart like H is really making a big concious effort to work on the M, and I'm sure it's hard for him, unfortunately for me he sees OW as much more than just a fling.
I surprised at how scared I am....that just strikes me as really weird.
trust him to do the right thing....It does seem like he's heading in that direction, in his own time frame and route...
Yeah, it's difficult and scary, but not un-doable. (my new word for the day)
He may see OW as more than a fling right now, but you are his W-complete with shared memories and a past that she just cannot erase. Remember that. She has to learn things about him that you already know, you SO have the advantage. Plus, he is working on the M with you. GO YOU!
OK, thanks much for the info, I will check it out! I have more flames to fan if you get my drift, and I swear I think that may be more of it than I ever realized or he would admit....just a feeling I get, and some comments he's made recently and even years ago that have stuck in my mind add to that perception.
yes, just laughing about the things he said years ago last night made me think of our history....plus how intertwined we are in our own families....interesting. You know what's scary? probably to him as well...a shocking thought....we are at the point where we have been married just over 1/2 of our lives....not our adult lives, our ENTIRE lives....blows my mind. I 'll get over to your thread in a little bit, Rottz. Thanks for your support. You really think it sounds like he's invested in working on the M? I see actions that say that, but haven't heard the words....of course as I've heard so many times on the BB, Actions speak Louder than words!
Funny, I never would have (pre-bomb) said that my H and I had that sort of R with bad/no communication. Now, I see that either he was different before, or I didn't realize that he spoke with actions.
Now that I am truly learning to "listen" to what he acts out, I am learning so much more about my H than I ever thought possible. I am becoming more intimate with him now than before.
Yes, actions do speak much louder than words. How much effort does it take to say "I love you" or "I'm going to try to work on this R." How much harder is it for him to chop wood like a maniac all day long? Being by nature very lazy, I'd personally much rather say "ILY" than do the actual work.
Quote: Now that I am truly learning to "listen" to what he acts out, I am learning so much more about my H than I ever thought possible. I am becoming more intimate with him now than before.
You are so right about that...If I had had enough "horse sense" to tune into his actions, and to read between the lines of what he said, I cant help but think I wouldnt be in this mess now...
I just hope he keeps on "not seeing her"....it would give that a chance to cool down, and me a better chance to get things rolling along on my end.....I am so afraid it will fire back up again, if in truth he isn't seeing her. except i KNOW he wasnt with her this weekend....unless he snuck out in the middle of the night, and I really think he was too tired! I get the impression he is trying to keep himself busy/occupied/distracted. I gotta help by getting him his dream weight room!
Deb, over the weekend, my H's work called. When he saw it on his cellphone's caller id, he said "work." I said "are you sure it's work?" (He had disguised OW's calls by using his work name, as they are coworkers.) I was so angry with myself for saying that and he let me know I had crossed the line.
Things go so much smoother when I let go of my fears and watch his actions. He told me he had broken off with OW. He then began texting me pictures of himself at work when he worked late so I knew where he was at all times, and had proof. Why didn't I listen to what he was showing me? What an idiot I can be, but it just popped out of my mouth before I had a chance to think.
Don't be a dope like I am. Look for the subtle things, and you will be amply rewarded. Show him you don't trust in him, and he will "punish" you, perhaps even driving him closer to OW again.
It was said in several research books I have read, I think Michele's book also says it (?) a woman needs intimacy and to be cherished in order to feel loved, a man needs to be trusted and needed to feel loved.
