It is all too real. Be the best you can for your kids. That will help.
As for her, be too busy for her, don't give her details of your life, be happy and playful when you see her. Honestly, I made all those mistakes and non of them helped. Your best chances are to implement Sandi's rules as you can.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I am definitely putting the rules into play. I had 7 months of in house after BD. It was very difficult. I now have a sep agreement signed as of Nov 1. If we go by that date then I have 1 year until a D is allowed. I hope to really take full advantage of this time for me and see where this all goes. I have to admit I still hope it works out for us to be together but I am planning for the worst.
Fine line to balance here.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Unfulfilled expectations lead to disappointment. I know this all to well. Trust the process don't cater to her. Be busy and then only when she comes to you will you have a chance.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
So a little update and a few questions need advice on...
Had spent a few good days with the kids. I really enjoy the extra time with S4 since he has to come to work with me after preschool and the days he is not there. I dont get as much done as i would like but that is ok. I have noticed that i need to get a schedule together for house cleaning and chores to break them down in to days of the week. It is very hard to keep up with everything. I know i can do it all, but just need a little more organization.
Kids still prefer not to go to W's house. S4 flat out says it to everyone. D7 has a little more tact about it, but her comments tell the story.
Still shocked W has not been to any of the kids swim lessons. She tells them she is planning on getting there then no shows. Kids ask her and she says she ran out of time. She works 3 days a week for an hour each day! Im shocked by this but a little relieved as well. I find myself missing her a decent amount and wish it works out but then when i am thinking she might show up I am dreading seeing her and hope she doesnt come. Strange. So i had to send wife an email, this is my preferred method of contact for things, regarding payments i make to her and then the holiday next week. I wanted to see if she was open to the manner i wanted to pay her. Surprisingly she is ok with it. I also am scheduled to have the kids on thanksgiving but i offered to split the day with her. I did this because i did not want any other holiday to just follow the weekly schedule and have that thrown back at me. She responded asking me if I had any dinner plans. I am not sure if she was asking to see if I wanted to be included in anything she was thinking or not. She has her mother coming down to visit with a possible couple other family. Now neither her or her mother are cooks. I am really not sure what they plan on doing for dinner. She did say she would love to see the kids for part of the day.
My mother is cooking and my sister and her family are coming in town. My mother offered me to invite them over. So here is the first piece of advice i am looking for. In my response i will say that i do have dinner plans, but do I even offer them to attend my mothers? I am not sure i want to do this or if I should.
The last night around 1030 i received a text message from W. This not a first but not a regular thing. She tm the other day to remind me of something for S4 school. Something i already knew about and was taking care of. I did not respond to that one then she called me a few hours later about it as well. When she called i was on the other line with something for work. I quickly jumped over to her call and told her i was on the other line and seeing what she needed, it was about the tm from earlier, i responded with i have it under control and needed to get back to business call and rushed off thanking her. So, i get the tm at night and it was about a friend of mine rushing his so to hospital. Her message went as the following" just letting you know" I find this a little passive aggressive but could be wrong. she is making sure that i know she is only texting me because she saw something on facebook about a friend o mine and not becuae she wanted to. I responded to this one after about 20 minutes. I did not want to seem like i am ignoring her.
Tonight I have to meet her and the kids at swimming since it is her day. I have the swim suits. I am not sure i should stick around or be busy. I want to be there for the kids, but not sure i want to be there with her or make it seem i dont do anything but kids stuff. The problem is the kids are one after the other so one is sitting with us while the other is in lesson then they swap.
So my needs here are the thanksgiving thing, do i stay around during the lessons tonight, and finally is it still too soon to start some communication with her? I feel like she may the kind of person that may have some feelings change but will feel she can not approach or break the routine because she is stubborn and feels that I may be done with her and she couldnt come back. I know this may be still my issue of not detaching enough and rushing things, but my feelings lately have started drifting from her and I now think i am more lonely and may want some companionship even if it is not from her. I dont want to go down a road that could create an issue though either.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
ok,io ma bumping this back up. I could really use some insight from anyone. I feel like this place has been a personal journal for me and that is about it. anyone with anything that may help will be appreciated.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Hi OTW, I think you're right that it is your issue and you aren't detached enough and are wanting to rush things. Your post is almost all about your W. I haven't read back, but are you building a full life for yourself separate to your W. Do you have plenty of GAL going on?
Believe me, your W will tell you if she wants back in and the most likely thing to lead to that will be her very real fear of the loss of you...
I would really try and shift your focus from 'looking for movement in your sitch....is it time yet...do you think she is....'
Accept what is for now - don't look to move anything forward. Don't be the initiator in respect of 'us' - look only after your own side of the street and move strongly forward with your own stuff....that is the way I think.
Take care x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto Thank you. You are probably right about the detaching. I do have plenty of GAL but I still think about her too much. I think I am afraid that if I reach a certain point I will not want her back. That frightens me. I also feel like i need to fill that void she left. I am also afraid of that.
I know afraid. Fear shouldn't run my life. When I step out and look at this from the outside it is not where I thought I would be. I know in a year from now I can say the same thing again.
Patience has never been my strong suit!
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
So my needs here are the thanksgiving thing, Why would you want to invite her? What would be the benefit? In my opinion, just say you have dinner plans and leave it at that.
do i stay around during the lessons tonight, Thats up to you. I kinda think that since you go to most all of them and this ones on her night, that its ok to drop them off get them going and head out.
and finally is it still too soon to start some communication with her? To what end? What kind of communication are you suggesting? Its been, what, 2 weeks since you signed the agreement? What do you think has changed in that time?
I feel like she may the kind of person that may have some feelings change but will feel she can not approach or break the routine because she is stubborn and feels that I may be done with her and she couldnt come back. This is totally you projecting on to her. Be patient. Keep learning. Keep growing.
I think I am afraid that if I reach a certain point I will not want her back. That frightens me. Maybe. But so what? Why does that matter right now?
I also feel like i need to fill that void she left. I am also afraid of that. Are you saying that you cant survive on your own for a time? How long were you married? How much time is it worth to you to protect that relationship?
