Thank you, 25yrlmc, for stopping by! I had just reached a very similar conclusion to what you were telling me, but the time and care you took to explain why really helped both underline and deepen my understanding of why I need to stop the bitterness in its tracks. For one thing, it "feels" ugly...like hot nasty sludge working its way back into my freshly cleaned house. No thank you. All that self-examination was hard work. I'm exhausted and would prefer to keep the place tidy from now on.
Our children...let me fill in a bit. I was a single mom to one. My college sweetheart took off faster than Superman when he figured out what all that fun could lead to. So I was never married.
H had somewhat of the same situation, but he married his GF. Two kids, and 5 years later, his marriage was over and he had custody of his kids.
We met, we married, and the 5 of us were as happy as we could be. I desperately wanted "just one more". I had a heartbreaking miscarriage at 17 weeks, a few months past our first year anniversary. Somehow (snicker) I was pregnant again almost right away. TWINS!!! Red-haired identical twin boys! H and I got a huge kick out of referring to them as our "bonus kids". H adopted my daughter. I wanted to adopt his, but bio-mom wanted to stay in the picture. No problem. We had a big, happy family, kids all raised by H and me.
First 10 years...heaven. Next 10, I began struggling with health and emotional issues. Major Depressive Disorder, Congestive Heart Failure, Fibromyalgia, Migraines, Arthritis in the spine (3 surgeries so far), severe Hypertension. Every year it's been something new! So sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I'm even getting a handle on some of that, I think. My belief is that all these problems are linked together by the amount of emotional "stuffing" I do. I learned some pretty unhealthy coping strategies to get along in life. Now the problems/hurts I never really dealt with are manifesting physically.
I'm working hard on me. Just me. The way I was going, I'm sure I'd have been dead in a few very short years. When I say "heart hurts", or anything similar, I'm literally referring to my poor overworked organ. Obviously, there is a different plan in place for me. I truly believe that. There has been an intervention.
I'm really upset that any of this happened. I see, with exceptionally clear sight, exactly how and why it did. I'm backtracking and working on me. I'll leave H to his own devices for now. He's not giving me much of a choice, in any case.
I'm accepting of what has taken place and why. I've also found a lot to be grateful for, as well. This was meant to be, and something really wonderful is waiting just ahead. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing, one day at a time, and it will all unfold in the way and manner it should.
Wow. I'm actually impressed with me right now. Just...Wow.
