Wow, Z. You basically just explained the why to me about me needing to go my way and letting H go his. I know it is what I need to do, because all the vets keep telling me that. The fact that H is currently abusive speaks to that, as well. I just couldn't wrap my mind around why and for how long.
You are 100% correct. H is ANGRY. Some of it with good reason. Will I ever be able to meet his needs? Yes. But I need to focus only on myself and heal what needs healing. Right now, I'm shattered and overwhelmed...I am barely beginning to recognize my own needs, much less worry about another's. I've stuffed down and ignored things to the point it's all coming back up...and not in a good way. I basically hated myself. I loved others, but locked in misery as I was, had so much trouble expressing it in a meaningful manner. I'd rather SHOW them, versus tell them...and showing has been nearly impossible. I have such high hopes for my future!
I've said so many hateful things to H at this point, and he to me, that NC is best. I will apologize again one day, but in a far different manner than I have already. That's for the future, so I'll just put it away for now. All this self-work has definitely distracted me from H. That's a really good thing because his power to hurt me is fading away.
I've examined my life almost back to birth. I've scraped my soul raw getting some of this crud up for examination - but I've been able to reframe so much of what I used to believe in a way that is healing and changing me in extraordinary ways. I've barely begun my journey but I see so much potential for my future and the way I'll be able to help others in the years to come.
H needs a good long while to find out just what he's done and how it's truly affected us all. I really think I'm okay with that. Imagine if we were happy, and I tried to tell him I needed to take a few years for myself to sort some things out. He'd freak, like most of us LBS! I don't like what he's doing...but I get it. It's not about me. It's about him, and what he thinks he's going to find. He won't. He was happiest as a family man, and our family just fractured...because of him. He's blaming me right now, but I bet there's a part of him that knows better, or my verbal barbs wouldn't be nearly as effective as they were.
Yes, were, because I'm done. I'm keeping my head down, doing what I need to do to move on, staying out of his way, and being mildly pleasant when I'm forced to interact. He likes to say I never loved him at all. If only he knew how wrong he is. I love him so much it hurts. The wounded parts of me that were basically strangling my soul really took their toll over the years. Odd that it took so long to manifest - well, it manifested, I just stuffed it back down, and every time it returned it was worse than the last. I'm even beginning to understand the depression a bit. Some of it is organic, but most of it is emotional damage, and that I can do something about.
I read somewhere that when a spouse is in MLC, we should try looking at it as if they have just given us the gift of time...time to work on ourselves. That enraged me when I first read it! I don't want time! I want H! I want my family! I want everything to stay the same!
Now, with clarity, I can see how true a gift this awful time really is. H and I are BOTH all kinds of messed up. I want a healed H, or an H who knows he needs healing...not this puffed-up version of superiority. Will he come around? Don't know...but if he does, I'll need to be whole and strong myself. It's going to take some time to get there. But I'm putting in the work and time, with a joyful happy heart that I am being allowed the luxury to just make it all about me for as long as it takes.
If he does not? Truly, it will break my heart for him. He was given time apart to learn, to grow, to understand what is important. But I realize it won't be my fault. I will pray for him daily. I'll send loving thoughts his direction. I will not engage in a childish/confrontational manner any longer. That's really all I can and should do. I get it. I'm crying so hard right now, but I really, truly get it. Everyone should be so lucky to have someone love and care for them as much as I love and care for H.
My understanding is increasing and my personal growth is expanding at such a rate I'm kind of in shock. What on earth is in store for me? I've got a feeling it's going to be kind of awesome...but I'm happy and content staying in the here and now.
