new LBS

[25yearsmlc]

I'm not doing well. I am an investigator and I put a keylogger on the computer that she sometimes uses. Just before I left I got her facebook password. I saw tonight that they were talking and she was asking him if he wanted to change his mind. I think it was about them getting together. He told her your kids hate me and her response was So..... That just burns me up. I told my 27 year old daughter and she is furious. I think its over. I am seriously thinking about asking for a divorce when I get home next week. It's not what I want but I see the writing on the wall

First off, let me say that your story touched me b/c I just lost my mother quite unexpectedly and I miss her a great deal. What an enormous loss it is.

I recall losing my father some years ago and that too, was a big deal. Thankfully, my h was a pillar of support for me whom I confided in back then....AND I did get very depressed.

I've also noticed that since my mom passed away, I'm talking to other "orphans" a lot more often than my other friends, AND to friends who were close to their deceased parents, since I had a very close relationship with my mother Simply put, they relate to my loss more. Those who still have their parents OR who are not close to theirs, are not as relatable to me at this particular time in my life.

I suspect your wife felt much more emotionally connected to OM and his sister than to you, and part of that might be b/c they relate since they were in the same boat.

But Part of that might also be b/c you did not reach out to support your wife when she was in grief and mourning,

Nor did you ask her what she needed (since you said you assumed she "wanted to be alone") But you did Not ask her what she needed from you, and then you happened to choose to believe she wanted nothing of you other than space, which requires nothing of you....

Can we agree that you could have handled that a lot differently?

Anyhow, IMO it probably felt safe for your w to hang out with the OM and his sister at first, since they were losing a parent AND there were two of them, not just OM and your w)... So It's not a typical "EA" in my opinion.

Moving on...Have you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy book(s)?

You say you are "an investigator" BUT You are not here as an investigator. You are here as a husband who (presumably) wants to save his marriage.

(The law is my profession. Thank God I didn't approach DBing like a lawyer would, or I would not still be married).

The other problem above, imo, is that you involved your daughter. Absolutely NOT a part of Div Busting. And it does NOT help you in the long run (even with your daughter and it harms her r with her mother which is not a good thing and if you cannot see that, I'm very sorry for you)

Also -involving your daughter absolutely makes a divorce more likely.

The more you challenge your w's choices (and or try to shame her), the more she will be forced to defend those choices and herself, which means she will defensively justify them, and NOT take the time to reflect carefully & examine her path (which is part of the goal of backing off and detaching).

Rather, It's you trying to punish your wife, (b/c you were angry "burns me up) and I think it will look very unflattering to you

since your anger is what motivated you. So yeah, it was punitive and vindictive of you, to make sure your d knows of all the "wrongs" your w is committing, against You.

What do you think your goal was in doing that?? It's one thing to not cover for a wayward spouse by lying, which I can totally grasp, but first you spied/snooped and then disclosed to your daughter.

You need to read the books and or check THIS website for what the author (MWD) says about this very topic (snooping AND disclosing to third parties). It is Not a part of the DB approach.

And please, please realize that -- the more people you tell - the harder reconciliation becomes. You cannot shame a spouse home, and have a lasting or happy marriage.



No spouse returns to a marriage they left,

UNLESS

they believe that marriage can be better/different than before.

What would make your wife feel that ^^ is true? What was missing that would now be present? What was broken that is now being repaired?

These are tough times to be sure, but to get to the other side, we have to go through this.

There are no short cuts or ways around the pain.

Be honest with yourself, and bravely dig deep.