The Evolution of Ancaire

[25yearsmlc]

PS

Sorry for the length of this but it does help to use your own post to follow along the same train of thought.

So here goes.

I realized today that while I am detaching from H, there is a really unhealthy element to my detachment.

^^Super important realization. If need be, start catching yourself doing it and put the STOP SIGN image in your head and change the internal dialogue. Get AND USE a new mantra, like "I am getting through this" and "I am creating a better life for myself", etc.

I can't tell you how many times I catch myself muttering "I hate H" throughout the day. The good moments are when I feel mostly numb. His mess, leave him to it.

Far too frequently, it's mixed up with bitterness.

That's a common path for people who do NOT grow from this ordeal. There are elements of choice in your path and one of them is to Not choose bitterness.

Earlier in your threads you identified how your own anger at life or your health issues (depression turned outward?) had fueled negativity in the marriage and in how your h viewed you.

So we know we have to Get Better, Not bItter. Fight that bitterness b/c it's like that consuming anger, which consumes YOU and helps no one. Replace it with a new positive.

It will improve your overall life (and probably your health) and becoming a happier more loving woman, with more peace within, is something no one can take away from you AND is a gift you can create for yourself.

It might be the biggest DB lesson around.

I'm trying to pay attention to it, and move my feelings in a more positive direction when I catch it, but it's really hard. I really do have a well of hatred with H's name on it after all that has transpired. I'm not sure how to handle it. Give it time? Let things settle?

That, AND taking pro active steps, even if only emotional/mental ones, to change it.

There are some great youtube videos from TED Talks (2012 I think) by Sean Achor and Amy Cuddy on positive thinking and the power of positive psychology.

They are not just spouting "new age happy" thoughts but presenting empirical data that shows how we can cognitively help ourselves to create more happiness in our lives. The talks are only about 20 min long and "entertaining" enough that everyone who watches seems to get something out of them. I'm sure there are many other forms of cognitive behavioral therapy that help us with this as well.


The hatred emotion is hard on my body; I get tense, breathing gets shallow, heart rate increases - but it is there. I realize that what I'm doing, being aware of and redirecting the emotion, is hugely helpful. But the fact is that I harbor ill will. I'm not capable of forgiveness right now. His actions hurt my children, too, something I trusted him to never do.

Getting rid of the anger is a step in forgiveness - but it is not the same.

And you do not have to achieve all of this now. Besides, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not him. In fact, you don't even have to let him know when you do it.

Forgiveness Is not about him; it's about you - and how you see your life and future and what type or amount of baggage you want to carry around with you.

Forgiveness is not approval of misconduct or permission for more of it. It's about you letting go of the pain someone else inflicted on you, so that the pain does not become a part of your soul.

When I realized I wanted to forgive my h, I also realized a few other things.

First off, there was simply no way we could reconcile without forgiveness, OR help our children live happy lives, (regardless of reconciling or not) AND that I could not carry around a sense of victimhood AND feel content within, unless I let go of that pain and to do that, I had to forgive my h, so that was a must have for ME to be happy.

Then I realized I had never seen forgiveness growing up. So I did not know what it looked like. And I feared it would cause me more pain or expose me to more or somehow that forgiving would make me more vulnerable. But that is not true.

And I learned that forgiveness is a PROCESS, a series of choices. This process takes time and quite literally, practice. It's a learned skill for most of us.




Has anyone struggled with this? Have you successfully moved past it? How?

I think almost everyone here has struggled with this. I believe every single couple that has reconciled and restored their marriage has struggled with it and moved past it (or they were not happily married)...

OR they struggled with it, got past it and learned to live happy lives as single people,

I hope this helps you on this road. If you have not heard it already, remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Check out my timeline....yeah, 2 years. Hang in there.