The Evolution of Ancaire

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Judy,

Per your request, I am stopping by your thread. I read most of your first thread and skimmed up to here. First, I'm so very sorry you are here. It's a wonderful place to be for a crappy reason. (OH a few questions first, as I am confused about the number of children you have and if any are his children from his first marriage. And are they all in the same geographic area as you? )

In one earlier post, you discuss your "hatred" of your h. I think it might really be anger. And imo, the difference is mainly that anger CAN be temporary, whereas hatred usually is not.

As you are discovering, your anger (or hatred, and the distinction is not important for the specific point I'm trying to make)

is HARMING YOU. Therefore, you must release it. (Of course easier said than done.)

I am not saying it's easy to do at all, but it's also not complicated. Meaning, there's no argument FOR being angry over time.

It's NOT helping you detach - so much as it is morphing grief into anger, b/c for many people, feeling our anger is more accessible or tolerable, than grief.

When you referred to your "heart failure", do you mean arrhythmias, COPD, actual heart attacks, or what? Needless to say, emotions play a role in our physical health.

Here's a quote about anger that I found helpful: "Holding onto anger to punish someone else, ---is like lighting yourself on fire - -

-- to get smoke in their eyes."

Betrayed spouses often feel the wayward spouse is not deserving of forgiveness and therefore they choose to hold onto their anger as a misguided attempt at being fair.

But like I said^^, feeling the anger or hatred and negativity in you, absolutely harms you more than it will ever harm him. This was a huge revelation for me when I was in your shoes. In fact, my anger at h seemed to justify his choices to leave.

(My situation was not identical to yours. But the issues of anger & sense of injustice I felt, were extreme. So some of your comments reminded me of that dark time).

Fortunately I had a DB coach who was a Godsend for me. I also had a T/MC and he was good (my h liked him, which was a first). But for specific suggestions and aid, I think my DB coach was the single best resource I availed myself of. Please consider it. You may say it's expensive but considering the cost of divorce and poor healthy, I'd say I got my money's worth and more.

My DB Coach's core advice at the beginning of my "adventure" was

to 1) Lose the Anger & Remain Calm, (at least in front of your h). The anger simply does not help you or the relationship or your family. Period.

2) Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does (NOT b/c you necessarily want to reconcile, but b/c you want more of the positives & less of the crap behaviors from him) AND

3) Do NOT fuel his negative perceptions/justifications for leaving with "X" behaviors.
Instead, Counter the negatives He uses to justify wanting out of the m, with new different and positive behaviors. For instance, let's say he can't stand that you are "always late for things."

You become the epitome of PUNCTUALITY and arrive on time (or early) for every appointment/event, etc. You do NOT point this change out, as that will be seen as a tactic rather than an authentic change.

The point is that you want him to doubt his negative "Data" about you; to wonder if it is no longer (or ever was) justified...

4) (and this last one helped with almost every other step) GAL & DETACH

In my experience, one cannot really detach without GAL first.

Anyway, You also said you've suffered from depression and that it made you angry with your h (and or life in general) for some years prior to the BD. So what I'm gleaning from that, is that the unhealthy ways you two have been addressing (but not resolving) conflict have been happening for some time and were more or less mutual.
Which means it's harder to change and trust the change (but not impossible. In your case he's already noticing).

Now the abusive aspects are evolving and changing some b/c you are trying to take the high road, which is very commendable.

Being a woman of substance, to ME, means

being a woman of grace & dignity, behaving with self restraint and self respect -

and these^^^ you will never regret.

This^^ "woman of substance" does Not being a doormat, but it does require that you rid yourself of this consuming anger. For it consumes YOU, and that's self inflicted damage you are in charge of for you are not powerless of this.

(For now, at least not showing it to your h, is a crucial step.)