last night was interesting. I told H that I loved him, wanted him to know that, that I knew about the day, that he didn't have any appts and my belief was they'd again spent the day together...that I didn't know how much longer I could go on living with this. I was proud that I was matter of fact, I didnt cry or yell...just reiterated my position. I didn't tell him I had talked w/attorney.
He got angry that I checked his schedule, (I don't usually do that, this is the 1st time since xmas, I have to say in my defense) said he had the secretary cancel appts and went home sick at 2:30...that he'd emailed one of the staff here over the lunch hour and I could check w/her.
then he said that he wasn't seeing OW anymore, that they were still friends and talked (like that's going to work?) but that he had stopped seeing her, that "she knows we are really working on this", and that "seems to work". I asked him why he didn't tell me, and he said because he was angry at me and he figured my "spies" would tell...He asked if I hadnt noticed how hard he had been trying to do more things w/me and the family....at least I had sense enough to tell him yes, and that it meant a lot to me. H repeated "this seems to work", I asked what he meant, and he said they'd tried being mad at each other and it didn't work, but this seemed to work...
I couldnt believe he wasnt seeing her...asked if I understood right, that he was no longer seeing her but he hadnt told me because he was angry with me, and he said Yes, I thought that was your expectation. so, I guess he got that message.
He talked about how controlling his mother is, and that I can be just like her. I always thought I got a lot of the heat for her! she is incredibly contolling and intrusive (she actually asked me if our birth control didn't work when I got pregnant with our S). although she's been an ally in all this.
He said again how he didn't trust me, and that's part of why he didn't tell me, that he was afraid he'd give her up and tell me that and things would go right back where they had been between us (he's said this before). He mentioned that he guessed neither of us trusted the other. He's sure right on that! He also said "I know she will always be there if this doesn't work out"....nice threat to hold over somebodys head!....
towards the end of the discussion, I went to his chair and put my arms around him, he actually grabbed me and initiated ml...it was great, I don't know why this discussion should/would make him more enthusiastic, but I swear it did. I did tell him he was rewarding bad behavior.
This morning H was pleasant and friendly. I hugged him and kissed him when his alarm went off and he let me & seemed to like it. In the past he's just rushed off to call OW...I'm sure he did this morning, but honestly I have given up paying attention to or worrying about that...(small step for me) i had to come to office for 1/2 day, he kind of hung around in bedroom as I was getting ready & chatted. I told him I would still like to go to his folks w/him if he wanted me to, and he said "if you quit being mean to me"....We had several nice smooches that he reciprocated......he did tell me I was being "totally obnoxious" when I put my hand somewhere, but he said it with a smirk...
So, now I have to struggle with believing him that he isn't seeing her....but that would make a lot of the things that have happened in the last 2 - 3 weeks make sense: his 2 weeks ago monday morning "I Love you and know how much you love me because you've stood by me through this whole thing and I really appreciate that" comment; his asking if I was going to hike this summer and inviting me to do a few things for the 1st time in years, asking if I was still going to get him weights, asking me to take S to Relig. classes, and her looking so angry and upset there and in staff meeting. His sudden efforts at a new job (that would be a big help) It's a huge and scary leap of faith to believe him. But I want to believe he wouldn't tell me he isn't seeing her if it wasn't true; he has been evasive before & alluded that he wasnt, I think back in November, but he had that "lying look" in his eyes.
"being friends" will never work, but I guess I have to also trust that will be worked out in his way and time....she won't wait forever.
So I learned important stuff: he got the message that it can't go on this way forever, and he cares enough to make an effort on M/R; what I interpreted as efforts on his part to work on things were, which means my perceptions are pretty accurate. I believe from the timing of things happening that the email I sent him (the semi-mushy one) was helpful. Somehow I have to learn to trust him and help him trust me...not sure how to do that...he's going to have to help me there... that's really really hard for me at this point...any tips/hints/threads/postings here? Obviously, he is very vulnerable and fragile emotionally....I never in all these years realized how incredibly so he is. And he's incredibly sensitive to what he perceives as attempts by important women in his life to be controlling...so I gotta use that info in relating to him...as Bill's said about his W, he's like one of those candies with the hard shell on the outside and the soft squishy center.
it's so strange to me, some of the best times ml we've had in years come after these kinds of discussions. I think this makes 4 or 5 times. The difference is in him not me, and I can't figure it out. maybe somehow he perceives that I still want him (accurately) in spite of all this, and that has something to do with it. Who knows.
any body see any conclusions here I've overlooked? Any tips on how to proceed now?
I guess the really hard work, the true 'piecing" can maybe begin now...perhaps my jump here wasn't so premature after all
I think I need to set some new R goals, and still stay focused on my personal goals, I can't lose myself again.
a positive note on that front though: this morning I put on a dress that I couldnt even get into last summer. It is huge on me! S11 is also telling me all my pants/jeans are so big they look like "clown pants".
