Hi Bob, I'm so glad to see you doing as well as you are. 30 years is a long time together. I discovered through my own experience, it's not too late for a M to fall apart. I hope you'll stick with us, b/c this board will help you more than you can imagine.
A few months ago I started some threads about the mindset of a wayward wife and what a LBH should and should not do when he discovers his W fits this category. The link to the first thread is on the bottom of the first page of Sandi's rules. There are five threads in all.
Your WW will try to make you out to be the bad guy, whether you do or don't do what you want. She will make sarcastic remarks to the girls about you and she'll try to justify her own behavior. The girls don't want to choose sides. In time, and maybe already, they will see which parent has chosen an inappropriate path to take. It may not really change much, and they may deal with it differently... depending on the individual personality. In spite of your pain, I hope you can refrain from putting their mother down when you are speaking to them. Remember to conduct yourself with honor and integrity.
You have to just work on your own life and your relationship with your daughters, and their mother has to do the same. It is extremely difficult not to involve grown children into your marital problems, especially daughters. Be cautious of taking their advice, b/c if they are not familiar with the mindset of a wayward wife....they may give you the wrong advice. Be loving and gracious with them, but come to the board to ask before you make any big decisions, while you are new. Not that you can't think for yourself, but to get unbiased insight on your sitch. And, btw, please don't share with your daughters what you learn here. I hope you won't even tell them about this board. If I know girls, one of them will be very tempted to tell their mother some little something of what you are trying to do.....thinking they are helping the sitch. However, it will actually defeat your purpose if they know. So just keep this to yourself, okay?
During this separation period and while she continues to be wayward, you cannot treat her with the same type of "protection" as you did when she was being a faithful spouse and living at home in the M. You have to let her clean up her own messes. You cannot cover for her....with her family, job, church, etc. Do not ever lie for her or agree to pretend to be the happy family out at a public event.
One of the biggest things most WW want is to have all the advantages of M, and none of the disadvantages. They want to be included in all the family events and traditional family holiday celebrating. They expect certain privileges (like coming & going to your house as if you were still together), but they want to keep their life private from you. The like to cake eat by having it both ways.....the single life and family life.
This board had a huge part in helping me find my head several years ago. My M was saved and we are still together today. I try to devote as much time as I can to, hopefully, pay it forward. You can do this, Bob. It will take much, much longer than you think. You have to let her learn the hard way. The quicker reality hits her, the quicker her fantasy will crumble. She is seeing this OM as her knight in shining armor. The more they are together and have to deal with reality, instead of a love affair, the sooner his armor will lose its shine.
Step back and let her deal with the consequences to her newfound single life. You begin a chapter of your life without her. It doesn't mean you don't want her back. It means you are giving her the rope, instead of pulling back on it.
Most newcomers are scared to apply some of the advice, afraid of what their spouse may think. Trust me, you cannot pull back too much from a WW. She left you for another man. Her puny excuses are nothing more than a smoke screen. She wants her time with OM, so let her have it. You don't have to sit by and be miserable while waiting. Truth is, when the LBH is getting a new and fun life, that's when the WW gets perturbed about it. She doesn't want him being happy. She wants him crying over her. She's fired him, and replaced him with OM, but she doesn't want her position to be filled in his life. See how crazy her mindset can be?
There's too much for me to tell in one post, but I will be glad to help you, if I can.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
