I am wondering if I am heading for a breakdown. When we first started MC back in March, right after BD, the counselor said that H had finally broken down from all of our stress with MIL, D, and Marriage. He said to me "When are you going to break down?" And I said that I won't.

But lately, I am wondering if this is it, I am finally breaking down. I just want to cry all of the time. I was having ups and downs and the downs were less intense and less frequent, but in the last 2 weeks I am in a big down and I just want it all to stop. I want to stop the pain, stop the STFU, stop thinking about this, I just want to be me, faults and all, and be loved and be comforted and cared for. I just want the pain to stop. This has gone on for too long.

I just went for a 3 mile walk and breakfast with a friend. Taking S to counseling this afternoon, and then tomorrow a school event, orthodontist, and my dinner group. Every day this week is busy with kids and with GAL, I am not just sitting around, I am active and social and engaged with life, but my brain is just stuck on "heartbroken". I was doing so much better. The combination of waiting on interview results and H deciding to take his job have pushed me backwards in my journey.

I can reframe my thoughts.

Instead of "Nobody wants to hire me" I can think, and very honestly, "I did not even begin my job search yet and had two very good leads on jobs and one was filled before I had a chance to interview, and the other still hasn't gotten back to me. But even if they don't they saw enough value in me to talk with me and consider me for an excellent job."

Instead of thinking "H is leaving and he doesn't love me anymore" I can think "H is taking a temporary job because he decided that is best for his career and the family right now, based in part on the fact that I asked him to consider leaving, so this was in part my doing. He will thrive in this job and come back home with more confidence, money, and a clearer head. I will use this time to be the best Pho and mother I can be, it is a gift of time. And I will still see him once a month."

I have been slipping nutritionally as well, so much halloween candy in the house which is just about gone now. I will go back to juicing once per day in place of a meal.

I will continue to walk daily. 2-3 miles. Work on increasing speed.

I will go back to STFU and realize that H isn't ready to listen to me yet. I did it perfectly for 2 whole months, a 15 minute "fight" yesterday does not mean I blew it, it was just a setback and I am back on track now.

I bought a really cute dress for H's holiday party. I sold a few things on eBay. I had a fairly pleasant morning with my children- a little rough but better than usual.
Overall, with the exception of our setback yesterday, H has been reaching out more and acting with less hostility. So there are positives.

But really, if I could, I would just crawl back into my bed right now and cry for 10 hours straight. That is what I truly feel like doing.