Of course you are absolutely right Betsey, It's just the control freak in me needing to be beat down. I'm just beginning ot comprehend how totally futile and worthless focusing on her obnoxious self is....hmmmmm....why do these things take so long to really soak into my head? and it will probably still take a while to give her up.
thanks, I feel myself moving in that direction. It's a long journey though. Interesting you MIL comment; my MIL &^ I have been at odds for 25 yrs; guess who's my biggest supporter now ( next to my own mom)? yep. maybe that is part of god's plan in all this mess.
LOL Rottz! What I know darn well is that I desperately want to see these as postive steps he's taking to get away from her! and I know my "wants" are so strong in this sitch they could take on a life of their own!!!!
LOL Rottz! What I know darn well is that I desperately want to see these as postive steps he's taking to get away from her! and I know my "wants" are so strong in this sitch they could take on a life of their own!!!!
I think I got a couple of babysteps, but I also ALMOST did something so bad it scares me, because I think it might have ended my M...I guess the good thing is I was able to not do it!
First, the babysteps: Last night H called his dad about cutting wood, something they've always done together and FIL has been trying to get H to do all fall/winter. last night H commented that if they didn't get it cut soon, it would be too hot to do it, and then we wouldn't have any wood for the fireplace next winter, because it takes at least 6 months to cure. FUTURE PLANS:....US...wood for OUR fireplace next winter....good sign, right? maybe it's a great sign, I don't know.
This morning he said he was going to take S11 along & asked if I wanted to go....talked about we could go down to the woods, and I could help load the wood ( o, Yay!) and that we'd probably stay for supper and church afterwards. I told him I would love to go if it wasnt intrusive, and he said no, it would be fine...BABY STEP--he invited me to do something! it's been ages...and when we were 1st married, 1 of the things we enjoyed doing was being outdoors, tromping around in the woods.
Maybe a babystep: I asked him if he would have to "work" on Sunday, and he said he didn't know....?????(Doing Paperwork is H's code speak for seeing OW) babystep that he would even say that maybe he wouldnt have to? Big babystep if he actually doesnt!!!!
Maybe a babystep: yesterday morning when he was leaving, he was walking by me and I took a step towards him and stopped. He stopped and said "what?", I laughed and said, "oh, nothing much, I was just testing to see if I've gotten you trained to read my mind yet and if I'm going to get one". He actually put both arms around me and gave me a hug and a kiss and had a twinkle in his eye when he did it. He "kind of" initiated affection.
Now the scary part. Last night he gave me 2 asthma inhalers, the kind I use, that he got from "the nurses at work", well of course that means OW....I didnt say or do anything, just said thanks, but almost threw a fit, really debated about telling him I didn't want anything in my house that had been anywhere near OW. I stewed over it a lot and then decided it wasnt worth making a big deal over. I've been afraid he's going to take off work today to be w/OW because he's suggested I take off to go visit our D 3 or 4 times in last couple of days...seemed like he was trying to get me out of way, I'm overly sensitive to this from past bad experiences, and it made me susupicious. We had the house to our selves last night, and I couldnt get him to ML because he didnt feel well w/allergies, also made me suspicious. I didn't sleep well at all because of a stiff neck and am kind of irrational this morning. I saw him leaving for the out of town office right at 8 which is a few minutes earlier than usual, my suspicions were so high I checked his appointment schedule on the office computer and it is blank for today, and my mind really went wild....I was literally ready to go find him and tell him it's all over and to go to H--L and OW and stay there. Then at 9 I got my typical email from him saying he got to out of town office ok, and talking a little about appts. lined up for the day....I replied with questions about changes to his resume, and he responded. This was all through internal office email, I'm sure it would have registered differently if he was emailing from outside, and I dont' think he's computer savy enough to make it read as though it came from "inside" if he was emailing from "outside"...plus the one I sent he responded to was internal...so he must be there after all. Thank God I hadnt gone off on him yet....obviously I'm not doing nearly as well as yesterday. Lack of sleep does hideous things to a person. I somehow need to find a better way to tighten my grip on myself. I guess I'm just so "gun-shy" because all of the awful things I've suspected in the past were absolutely accurate.
I've read the good stuff about detaching, and think it's soaking in, and then I find myself in this spot. I guess maybe God was looking out for me, because I know it would have blown everything out of the water if I'd gone off on this one. I could sure use any input anyone has to share.
morphing's at a standstill today....I know H is w/OW...I figured they'd be sneaking off to do something while her daughter is gone on spring break.........it's awful.....how the hell do I deal w/this?
