Emotional night tonight...talked for a couple of hours with my twins about past issues. Out of all the kids, my babies suffered the most as the depressive disorder got worse. I love them so desperately - it kills me to know how much I hurt them when I withdrew from the world to the extent I did.
I'm making amends where I can in my life. This is a really important step for me. In cases where my actions have caused such deep harm, it's excruciating to dig it all up to apologize and lay my soul so bare. On the other hand, my boys now know, for certain, how much they mean to me - how deeply sorry I am for not managing myself in a more effective manner - I realize how much my illness harmed them, too.
Both offered me forgiveness. Both told me how much they love me and always will. Both told me I could make amends by keeping my promise to become as healthy as I possibly can in all areas. I don't deserve them, but I am so thankful for my youngest children right now. I am thankful for their loving, generous hearts.
This making amends is hard work! I feel scraped raw inside. I have no intention of stopping before I get to the other side. I have a feeling this is some of the most important work in my life.
