Wow, mind is blown 10

[asitis]

Uphill,

I'm so sorry for the hell you are going through. I feel the pain and anger seething through your posts. It will look different in time, and you will likely be surprised about that. I won't tell you that you and XF are not over - even if I know that I still see hope where you don't - but you know that at some point you will still do what you can for your S, and that you still love XF deeply. That is why it hurts so much. Let her go. She needs to find her path.

Has she lied to you about everything as you said a few posts back? I think perspective that comes with time will see that she is a very scared woman who really does want someone like you. OM will not give her that (he is a rebound). She may go on to find OM2 or OM3 or so on, but I'm still betting from following your thread that she has not lied about everything, and she is not as happy as she claims. Still, from your perspective, it really doesn't matter at this point. She's not coming back in the near future. You both have more growth ahead (you'll do it, & we'll see about her).

So, mourn and grieve and vent, but at the days end, I'm going to tell you that like the classic statement about "think of England" given to disgruntled Victorian housewives, you will think of S4 and also of your decades of having an R w/ XF. Don't burn any bridges. Detach, listen and validate. Back to DB basics. 101 type stuff. GAL, not engage her in trying to correct the record. Show her an Uphill who responds differently than she expects. Get her off balance by embracing the reality. I'm not saying telling her you are happy for her (it has to be honest or it won't work). But your focus - for your S & for you - is to diffuse and to calm the sitch. Show her the compassionate, caring, responsible Uphill who loves unconditionally and will make the choices she actually has made work as best you can for the three of you. She's expecting angry, passive aggressive, or even vindictive I'd bet. She may even be expecting you to not handle this by returning to the addictions she fears. You fail to meet those expectations, and you have earned DB hero status. It won't end up in you married and happily-ever-after, but it will change the R. And then with patience, who knows where either of you will be in a year or two or five. Together. Or not. Happily in a loving, supportive, healthy R. Or not. You will still have a different perspective on it, and you will be happy that you calmed and didn't react to the current sitch in retrospect. Your S will be better off.

So, vent here. Grieve. Draw boundaries w/ XF that you need for yourself. But give yourself a lot of time to sort through this all.

Again, I am so sorry. I've been exploring dating, and I know that I'll still be heartbroken when I find out my W has been dating or fallen for someone else. I know that no matter how much I prepare myself intellectually for that, it will still hurt like the devil himself was pi$$ing on my heart. Let it settle. You will heal & be well.