Back on these forums again 3

[Mona52]

Mona, the mutual hatred H and I share right now makes NC super easy. But I admit I think about him all the time. The last time you DB'd...when H was with OW in another state...did you guys just stay in contact because of your children?

Nope! He dropped us flat. He would go months without a word. Then he slowly asked for them during a holiday. He would drive from Maryland with OW to pick up the kids. Then he started complaining that the drive was hours long and he could not afford gas, so I began to meet him half way. Then I was taking them to MD completely. This went on for a while, until he started IM'ing (Yahoo instant messenger was big back then) me more frequently.

But I was the WORST DB'er in the world. I would be there, with the kids and big sad puppy dog eyes every time he came. I made everything horrid because I just could not detach.

I am trusting that my moving away and working on myself for now is the best thing I can do to DB. I don't like it, but it's what needs to happen. I've learned so much about codependency, and realize how needy and helpless I've become. Fixing that. I need to let H feel my absence and realize just how much he messed up our family. Me telling him about it just makes him defiant.

This wont make sense, but once you stop caring if he feels this or not, then he might start to feel it. But by then it wont matter if he feels it or not. No matter what he does or does not do, your plans are the perfect action to take.

I will be going completely dark, in effect. No one on the boards is doing that. I don't know what to do. I'm curious about your experiences, and what you remember from being here before. I'm not afraid of being legally D. I don't like that, either - but there's lots about this sitch that makes me unhappy.

Am I looking too far ahead? I guess I just want to be reassured all hope is not lost just because I've accepted we need to go our separate ways for now. What do you think?

No, I do not believe all is not lost. The only time all is lost is when you choose to stop. As long as you keep fighting the good fight, there is hope. I promise you, if there was a way you can DB wrong, I did it. No, I mastered everything NOT to do the first time around. I would come here everyday and hear how i should not do this or that. Then go and do it anyway! But then I started to listen, and I only listened infrequently. But once I really dropped the rope, out of the blue, my sit changed.

You are doing it right, just keep moving forward. Even if you make mistakes, just keep moving forward.