I believe that the time we spend together, even though it feels kinda nice, is not helping. It gives me, and the boys, hopes. (I'm not projecting, they constantly ask) Also, it allows her large portions of cake. She has me for financial support, and whenever we are in public, she treats me like a H. If it's convenient. I have to put a stop to it, whatever that looks like.
W may be having an affair, I wouldn't know. She spends a lot of her kid free time with her parents, aunt, whoever. Lately she has been telling me what she does whenever I have the boys. I haven't asked, she volunteers it.
I know that I feel I have done a lot of work on myself. I'm not done. My priest/counselor told me that I am doing very well, and we aren't doing weekly meetings anymore. Maybe once a month now. He is still helpful, but is weaning me off of the need for counseling. That's pretty cool, and I am proud of that.
I have recently realized a past problem cycle. I tried to be superdad. Which, to me meant to sacrifice my wants for my family. I worked tons of OT, drove junk, moved to give then more of what they want. I don't regret any of it. But, I didn't realize what it did to me. I was trying to be selfless, and provide. It upset everyone else that I wasn't around all the time. So they were upset with me for trying to give then money enough to do everything. Which made me grumpy, and I would grab a beer to escape. That became a habit. Not healthy, but I did it. Then I felt guilty, and we repeated the cycle.
At least I know this now. I will not do it again. I love my kids, but especially now, I want to hang out with them more than giving them a new game or basketball tickets or whatever.
I'm gaining ground. That is a positive.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
