Damn it! All this FB drama made me break my rule and sneak in through a back door to see what H is up to!
Never again. I just caused myself so much unnecessary pain. It's amazing that something so trivial can become so much bigger than it ever needs to be. I'm probably going to take the next step and just deactivate it altogether.
I think I will end up deactivating one of these days, but right now this is my primary contact with a lot of people, and also I love to see all the pictures of the kids - mostly my cousins- who I don't live near. I do hate FB though. But mostly I hate H. And right now I hate myself because I messed up and tried to talk, I knew better, I knew he doesn't want to hear my perspective on anything. H did say that he only re-activated his account to keep up with a very few people and he does not plan on posting. But why did he have to delete every picture of me? Going back 2 years, before that I am still up. But that's the thing, when I had blocked him I wasn't looking or even thinking of this. It was better for me to not be friends with him on FB. I really wish someone would ask him innocently "where are the pics of your w?" he is so responsive to everyone else's opinion and so extremely resistant to mine.
He said he has a right to control his image on FB and what pics are posted and he was hurt that I blocked him without discussing it with him. I said we were not capable of discussing things at that point, and now that he is back on FB I unblocked him.
Did you validate he felt hurt or go right into explaining why you did it? If you go into why you did something you get defensive and it puts both of you in a mindset where your reacting to the other and defending your actions. One makes a comment that puts the other in a defensive mindset, that leads to reacting and puts the other in a defensive mindset where they react and the cycle continues. This cycle goes around and makes a small issue into a big argument.
'The Solo Partner' everyone should be reading this book, honestly. Defensiveness, reactivity, other dynamics that cause issues. I've not been in the situation working on the R but I can tell you you can change that dynamic alone. It takes some time but amazing things can happen and you may start to see things you wanted him to say/do in the past happen once you break your portion of that dynamic.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fogg I didn't validate. I have been so good at validating and keeping my mouth shut for 2 months now, but I totally did not validate this time.
As soon as I reacted the whole interaction went bad, the last 2 months I have not reacted and things were going better.
And a stupid FB argument is not worth it. No one argument is worth it. I think I let my guard down because he has been nicer lately, and also because I really hate his FB presence, he has created this FB personality that just pisses me off and this is why I blocked him, it is a big trigger for me to see him on there.
Back to DB'ing. Maybe I can "hide" him on FB so he can still me but I can't see him?
Pho - hiding him on Facebook isn't solving the problem, it's rug sweeping. Maybe you could reach out and say something like you have given this some thought and you can see why he was upset about you blocking him. How can we work together as to not upset each other over Facebook?
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Ep, with the amount of issues we have piling up, FB seems to be the least of them. I need to pick my battles. FB is a loaded one and H will flip and its really more of a symptom I believe of deeper issues, so probably there is something more productive to bring up. But I really like the "how can work together" approach. That is a line I will need to remember, thank you.
And now another issue. My daughter. I just picked her up from her youth group, she told me that she told her group how upset she is that H is leaving for 6 months because she had been so rude to him and had been telling him for over a year now how she wants him to leave, so now she feels guilty and she doesn't really want him to go. Her reasoning for not wanting him to go? Because now she is stuck with "the hostile old nasty lady who yawns too much." Me. I am the hostile old nasty lady who yawns too much. She is right. I am hostile, I am old, probably nasty from a 14 year old perspective, and I do yawn too much. Poor kid. Seems like I am the object of everyone's disgust and hatred these days.
And now my D just had a spectacular display of bad teenager attitude and I didn't handle it well, mumbled the F word and slammed the door on her. She is just so unbelievably disrespectful it is downright shocking to me that any child could act this way to a parent. She has already lost electronics for 3 days. I don't want to keep piling on the punishments, it gets to a point where it is just a battle of the wills and hers is so extremely strong. I am on a roll today with reacting, first to H, then to D. I need to pull myself back in. I am unraveling.
I wish I could just grab my two boys and run away. Leave H and D to work it out between the two of them.
Thanks M, H's plane just landed so he should be home within an hour. I am not able to fall asleep, going to greet him and hope that our argument has not sent him back into the silent mode again.
I am wondering if I am heading for a breakdown. When we first started MC back in March, right after BD, the counselor said that H had finally broken down from all of our stress with MIL, D, and Marriage. He said to me "When are you going to break down?" And I said that I won't.
But lately, I am wondering if this is it, I am finally breaking down. I just want to cry all of the time. I was having ups and downs and the downs were less intense and less frequent, but in the last 2 weeks I am in a big down and I just want it all to stop. I want to stop the pain, stop the STFU, stop thinking about this, I just want to be me, faults and all, and be loved and be comforted and cared for. I just want the pain to stop. This has gone on for too long.
I just went for a 3 mile walk and breakfast with a friend. Taking S to counseling this afternoon, and then tomorrow a school event, orthodontist, and my dinner group. Every day this week is busy with kids and with GAL, I am not just sitting around, I am active and social and engaged with life, but my brain is just stuck on "heartbroken". I was doing so much better. The combination of waiting on interview results and H deciding to take his job have pushed me backwards in my journey.
I can reframe my thoughts.
Instead of "Nobody wants to hire me" I can think, and very honestly, "I did not even begin my job search yet and had two very good leads on jobs and one was filled before I had a chance to interview, and the other still hasn't gotten back to me. But even if they don't they saw enough value in me to talk with me and consider me for an excellent job."
Instead of thinking "H is leaving and he doesn't love me anymore" I can think "H is taking a temporary job because he decided that is best for his career and the family right now, based in part on the fact that I asked him to consider leaving, so this was in part my doing. He will thrive in this job and come back home with more confidence, money, and a clearer head. I will use this time to be the best Pho and mother I can be, it is a gift of time. And I will still see him once a month."
I have been slipping nutritionally as well, so much halloween candy in the house which is just about gone now. I will go back to juicing once per day in place of a meal.
I will continue to walk daily. 2-3 miles. Work on increasing speed.
I will go back to STFU and realize that H isn't ready to listen to me yet. I did it perfectly for 2 whole months, a 15 minute "fight" yesterday does not mean I blew it, it was just a setback and I am back on track now.
I bought a really cute dress for H's holiday party. I sold a few things on eBay. I had a fairly pleasant morning with my children- a little rough but better than usual. Overall, with the exception of our setback yesterday, H has been reaching out more and acting with less hostility. So there are positives.
But really, if I could, I would just crawl back into my bed right now and cry for 10 hours straight. That is what I truly feel like doing.
