Please help!

[focus22]

Yesterday, the day before, and the day before that...three strange days.

Last night, after three days of twelve and thirteen hour work days, I went to a work social event. Usually I would never have gone (or if I had gone, I would have stayed for a short time only).

Last night I stayed until the end of the event (which was only 10.00pm). But I chatted with everyone who came my way, enjoyed everyone's company, was interested in what everyone had to say.

There's a big streak in me that is thinking 'well stuff you. I'm gonna live my own life and do what the heck I want to do'.

If you knew me, that's a weird thing for me to think/say indeed. I always think of everyone else before myself - including my H. And I would always worry about coming across wrong, in some way or another. But part of me had a really good time last night.

[Ancaire]

I'm really happy for you! Believe it or not, this was a good thing. You're trying different things. Bravo! Your statement, "I always think of everyone else first..." - ugh. So many of us do this. We overdo it, to our detriment. I'm beginning to understand that some of us, I definitely suspect you are in the group, somehow bury our real selves by always putting others first. We lose our identity and become shadows of who we used to be.

There's nothing wrong with being considerate of others, but the lesson I'm learning is we have to protect ourselves, nourish ourselves...we were meant to be here, after all.

[gonegrl]

I have to agree with everyone, in the last 3 years or so I kept telling my sister that there was something wrong with H, that he always had a WTF? look on his face like he was genuinely confused. I wish I had dug a little deeper and tried to figure out what that look was really all about. He also had an egocentric outlook, always had, but in a way that he always thought he was a victim.

[focus22]

Thank you Anicaire. It feels strange, all of this, though.

I've spent so long trying to fit in with everyone else, trying to make sure people liked me and I didn't upset or offend anyone...I guess making myself invisible.

Now, I don't know. I'm finding I care less what other people think about me. I'm started to feel more connected to my inner self. I'm finding it easier to be with other people, whereas before I felt overcome with shyness and worry about saying the right thing, or giving the right impression.

I mean, is it that simple? You just give voice to your inner self? And that either draws people to you, or not?

He also had an egocentric outlook, always had, but in a way that he always thought he was a victim.

Yeah, my H thinks he's the victim too. Of his feelings, and of his circumstances (which are actually all of his own making) *rolls eyes*

[shotgun]

Happy for you focus22. It is sometimes hard to get in the mode of GAL but it is necessary for our own mental health. Keep it up and here's to a great week!

[focus22]

Thank you shotgun.

So, major GAL day for me today. And I had a great time, even if there were a few moments of weakness there and I thought I was going to start crying a couple of times. But I distracted myself and the teary feeling passed.

Other thing I did, a few days ago...I took my W and engagement rings off, for the first time ever in 15 years. I had been thinking about it for a few days and wondering if I should or not. I guess I felt a bit fearful that if I took them off I would somehow lose the connection I had with my H.

But what connection do we have at the moment? None, if I have no idea where he actually is (even what city he's in). And none if we're not even talking (or emailing or texting). And what am I getting from our M at the moment? And what have I been getting from our M for the past 4 or 5 years (as my counsellor pointed out)? I dunno.

Man, it was weird at first. And I felt quite naked and conspicuous too, like everyone would notice.

I do find myself going to play with my rings on my finger at odd moments, and the being a bit surprised that they're not there. But overall, I feel OK about it now.

I have another couple of GAL things planned for later in the week - one big and one small.

I'm encouraged by just how much I'm getting back from GAL. It's definitely worth the (sometimes huge) effort it takes. And I feel excited that I can just pick stuff I like doing and stuff I've always wanted to do as well, without having anyone to explain it to, or anyone to answer to.

I do realise that things are probably pretty straight forward for me at the moment. My H has dropped off the edge of the world, so I don't have him to deal with, and any of the stuff he might say either. I guess I should try and make the most of this period of time, this period of peace and quiet? Things might not always be quite so straight forward.

[shotgun]

Nice job focus22. GAL has helped me through so much of this. We must continue to focus on ourselves as it is the only person that we have any control over. Keep up the good work!

[Ancaire]

Focus, you are blowing me away with your calm and composure! I still cry like a baby, and half the time I'm really mad at H!

I'm desperately missing GAL...I wrecked my car a few weeks ago and it's still being repaired. H opted not to have rental car coverage for me because I've never had an accident. He's never made me go insane before, either!

I'm spending lots of time reading self-help books and improving myself. The kids are enjoying the new me!

[focus22]

Thank you shotgun, Ancaire.

Underneath it all I'm quite insecure, a bit of a control freak and a thinker to top it all off as well. I know the past few years have brought out the very worst in me.

But then again, who wouldn't feel insecure if their partner was having an EA over the course of 3 years (with a lot of it happening while he was at work, on the other side of the world)?

Anyway, the last time I was on my own (ie, without a partner) was 18 years ago...such a long time ago! I remember feeling quite alone in my early to mid 20s, and lonely as well. And I think part of me was really scared I would be going back to that horrible feeling.

I think I'm starting to discover that things are different now, all these years on. Maybe that's because I feel I might know myself a little better now? And am not quite so scared of life and of other people? I've noticed people wanting to speak to me over the past few weeks. And yesterday when I was doing my GAL thang, people were curious about where I was travelling to and why (in a nice way, not a creepy way).

Ancaire, this is such a slow process, and so painful too. But every day brings us a little more knowledge and self awareness, and more strength and composure. Time, I've discovered, is very much our friend in this.

I'm slowly painting the woodwork round the house. I don't know what this would come under? It's not GAL, but it's been good for how I'm feeling. And it's not expensive to do either.

[shotgun]

Hey focus22 I think painting the woodwork counts a GAL. I admire you for pulling yourself up and getting some things done. I haven't been able to do that yet. I try to get away to GAL. You ladies are always so much stronger than us. Are you working on your physical health? I have been able to do that. Mostly out of necessity. Thinking of you today and praying for peace for all of us.