Parents: help me parenting while separated (2)

[Ripe]

What an amazing weekend I had.
Friday I had four kids sleeping over. Unfortunately, then woke up Saturday morning at 6h00.
Saturday we carved five pumpkins which then we lighted when it became dark. They were wonderful.
I cooked chicken rice for the following day.
Sunday the four kids, three colleagues from work and I went for a walk in the park. Autumn colours were even more beautiful than one week earlier.
After the walk I served lunch to these seven hungry people, together with some chocolate mousse I also prepared.
Everybody said it was delicious.
At the end of the day I watched a movie alone with my two kids.
S9 said it was a pitty that the weekend had come to an end so fast and that weekends with me ran faster than at mom's. I felt proud but replied that mom also did nice things with them.

[Ripe]

I will start this post by sending my thoughts and prayers to the French people and especially the Parisians.

Two days ago I did something I though I would never do.
I went to my STBXW's new flat.
I had told myself I would never do it. Not because of some boundary I had established but because the place my STBXW had moved to represented the dissolution of our family home (besides one that I am paying).
Anyway, we had some serious talk to do because we have not had a serious conversation since she left home. Also, I had to return a cooking robot I had asked from her and some kids clothes I had washed.
We had no place to go since we needed some privacy while still keeping an eye on the kids.
Therefore, when I told her I would show up at her flat she was a bit surprised.

My kids were thrilled to see me there. S9 went to the fridge and offered me an yoghurt already with the spoon in. S7 showed me his room and did not let me leave before finishing his homework. S9 also wanted help with his homework.

I then went to the kitchen to talk to STBXW. She was preparing dinner and asked if I would join then. I politely refused. S9 showed up with a book and said that after dinner he would read for both of us (he has difficulties reading and knows this is an skill both parents enjoy watching him performing). He was terribly disappointed when he found out I would not be staying. He said: "But I wanted to read for both of you."

STBXW started talking: She was very upset and concerned. S9 had asked her some days before why had she left me. S9 also said she was guilty for leaving me. S9 finally said she was not strong enough to stay with me.
STBXW got irritated with me, thinking that I had indoctrinated S9 against her. She said S9 could suffer as an adult and that S9's attitude could jeopardize his future relationship with women.
STBXW said S9 should show his own pain and not be projecting my own one.
I tried to active listen by asking questions, repeating information and validating.
Then I explained her that S7 had been showing exactly the same rejection towards me every time the kids stayed with me.
STBXW was immensely surprised by this and rapidly accepted that I had not been negatively influencing S9 against her.

The conversation was polite and civilized.
I was amazed at S9 observations and conclusions.
I felt a mix of emotions by being at that flat. I felt aversion for being at a place that should not be my kids home. I was sad to see the kids joy by having me there and not being able to give back. I was angry at STBXW for destroying my family. But I was pleased for having put the need of talking about the kids above my aversion to that place.

[Ancaire]

Ripe, you did a great job listening and validating. I truly understand your pain as regards the children. My kids are adults, and their pain just makes me want to slap H until the stupid falls out. It was really a good thing for you to get over your aversion to the place and all it symbolizes. I don't have a lot of wisdom for you right now - but I can offer a heartfelt "good job".

[Sotto]

Hi Ripe, I think it was a nice thing for the kids that you went to their now place. Sounded like that meant a lot for you to see their rooms and so on.

I think you did well, and for your W, the perceptions of the kids are one of the consequences of the choice she made.

I was out for dinner with a friend last night. She decided to leave her first H when the kids were pretty young. Her oldest is now almost 30, and she said to me that she still feels guilt for what she did and wonders if she could have been stronger and stuck with it. It's a shame I think, and your W may also feel like this - now and in the much longer term...

Take care x

[Ripe]

Ancaire, Sotto.
Just passing by my thread means a lot to me, with or without any marriage-saving advice.

And sometimes I also feel like telling STBXW "I told you so".
Around one month ago I mentioned to STBXW the known consequences of divorce on kids.
She replied: "Those are just statistics on paper. Reality is always different."
Well, now I can say my kids are becoming part of the statistics.
And do you want to know what she wrote me the following day?
She said she felt sorry for the reactions of S7 towards me, which were a mirror of S9 reactions towards her. And then she wrote: "How mysterious and interesting is human nature."
Where is the mystery and surprise here?
And I thing my kids would gladly pass this interesting human experience.
Be as it may, I came to the conclusion that I would not want my M just because of the kids. Once I thought to stick to it just because of the kids sake, but now I am no longer sure.

I will keep working on my kids. And now I have a new and exciting goal: to practice mindfulness with them.
I started meditating (still struggling) last May.
And now the Happiness Course I am taking mentioned the numerous advantages of Mindfulness. One chapter is dedicated to mindfulness in schools. I am just waiting for Tuesday, when I have them with me.

[Ripe]

Thought of the day.

Good judgment comes from experience but experience comes from bad judgement.

[Ancaire]

Thought of the day.

Good judgment comes from experience but experience comes from bad judgement.

Powerful - and has me chuckling a bit at all my experience gained through bad judgement. I might be ready to write a book...but then, we need the actual experience to grow.

Thanks for sharing this!

[Ripe]

I agree, Ancaire. For most of us, our bad judgment was what brought us here.
But after DB we will be full of good judgment and spread it all around us.

Today I am feeling fine. Its Monday morning and I already smiled and laughed.
Saturday was diabetes day, so today my organization is organizing measurements of glucose and blood pressure.
I just came from the doctor and I am in excellent condition. Glucose and blood pressure are just fine.
My BMI (body mass index) is 21. The doctor said I am exactly in the middle of the average.
And then he said: "You need to tell your colleagues what you're doing because whatever you're doing you're doing it very well."
I just smiled.
I left and went back to work with two close colleagues. I told them what the doctor had said and then added: "The secret to good health is to get a divorce". We all laughed.

[Ripe]

Parents,
How do you do when it comes to the kids' clothes?
When STBXW moved she emptied the kids' wardrobes and took all their clothes with them.
And because of this, so far STBXW and I have been sending the kids clothes back and forth.
I pick them up at her place and she hands me a bag with clothes for the weekend. Some days later I return the clothes already washed (at the beginning I would return them unwashed, but I became proud of being a single dad and started washing whatever the kids dirty while being with me).
I am thinking about buying clothes for the kids for when they are with me, but this does not seem practical.
First, I have no eye for clothes or colours - not even DBing can change this (I should have had daughters to help me with this).
Second, in two weeks all the clothes would be mixed up, mine and W, so to say, because the kids would be going to W's place wearing "my" clothes.
Am I complicating too much?

[Ripe]

I don't know what is going on with me.
I was doing very well, taking care of my things, living my own life, focusing on my kids.
And now, since last week, I have these dreams where STBXW asks for reconciliation and I just send her away, saying I could not possibly love a person who disappointed me so much. STBXW leaves crying.
And the problem is that I take pleasure in that, in making her suffer the same way she made me suffer.
I have also noticed some rudeness in my real world contacts with STBXW: I do not greet her when we meet and do not say goodbye. I have always tried to be distant, but not impolite nor rude.
I hope this is only a phase that will soon pass.