May not have explained myself as far as she knows I think she has ended the afair i havent reconfronted her after i found out its continues. I guess u dont know what to say because ive been told not to talk about what ive learned here i would wana say im stepping back to work on me but i guess that defeats the whole idea and im just not sure what to say these days.
Okay. Confronting her will do no good at all. And please do not tell her you are working on yourself, etc.
I know this has to be very difficult for you, and what you are reading here sounds so completely opposite from how you feel you need to work with her in getting the M back on track. While a woman is wayward, she really does not have a desire to work on the M, b/c she has the OM in her head. Even if the A ended, if they are still in any kind of contact (including seeing each other at work), it keeps those PEAS going strong. (Google PEAS and read how this works in the brain like a drug). If they never see, hear, text, email again, she would have to go through withdrawals. This may sound crazy, but it's true. She craves the thrill of a new romance.
The best way in not being sure what to say, is say nothing.
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She keeps asking about time appart and basically sepration.
This is typical whenever they want freedom to play house with OM, and/or to push him into a committed R.
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She tells me they are only talking about sports or work as if they are just friends.
Please tell me you are so naïve as to believe that ^^.
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Im tryinv to use sandi's rules but fear my actions are being seen as cold and mean. Ugh!
Mean and cold? She's having an affair! She wants a separation b/c she thinks she's in love with him. And you think the solution is to be all sweet and cuddly and tell her you aren't comfortable with her texting OM.....and that you are trying to work to improve yourself? You need to stop everything and finish reading NMMNG before you read anything else!
She is not going to get D b/c she thinks you are acting cold/mean. She will want a D b/c she sees you being a weak sister. Want to know what attracts a wayward woman? The very thing she can't have. That is why when the H will pull back, she'll draw nearer to him, if the H does it right.
You don't have to be cold......just don't be all warm and fuzzy to her. Stop trying to please her. Stop trying to persuade her. You don't have to be mean.....just don't cater to her and/or her wishes all the time. Don't be her BFF. She is a cheater and a liar. She is firing you as her H and wants to replace you (in fact, she has replaced you in many ways, already).
Do you want to know what she needs to see? She needs to see her H standing up to her, instead of giving in to her. She needs to see her H as being a man who commands respect from her. One who will not tolerate her disrespectful behavior, her cheating, etc. A man who will not be tossed around and manipulated by a WW. She needs to see you decisive, instead of passive. She needs to see your inner manly strength.
You are overwhelmed at the moment. Finish reading NMMNG. I think it is much better to read one book at a time.
Most newcomer do get confused at first, b/c they are trying to digest a lot of new information while dealing with a terrible sitch. Eventually, you will begin to grasp it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
