JellyB, I truly am touched by the amount of care and thought you have given to me in your post. Thank you and please know that you would never offend me, I am here for help and I am blown away by the amount of support and encouragement that you are providing to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

My D will be thrilled to cut ties with her current counselor. She does not like the process at all, and frankly, I am surprised that they still see her because she keeps saying that she won't cooperate or talk to them. Maybe she is more cooperative when the door is closed and I don't see it. A good friend of mine says she has gone through several counselors with her d because as soon as her d says she isn't going to cooperate the counselor cancels the appointment, so not sure why they are more lenient with my d. To be honest, my D did very well in the intensive program but I haven't seen any improvement since then, not sure if its the current counselor or my D just reached a plateau. She is also resisting her meds (prozac) and says she feels better when off them. Her OCD tendencies do seem to be much better managed, so maybe she is right.

Your description of the family dynamic seems very accurate. I would like to add that my daughter's problems, and disabilities, are "invisible" so for years we were not sure if we were dealing with a behavioral issue vs. an emotional/psychological issue. So there has always been the question of "is this a result of our parenting skills? Is this a discipline issue?". Which is still an issue even with a diagnosis, because there is a behavioral component as well as the medical. And then there is the fact that my IL's believe I "caused" all of this and they unleashed this theory on H when he was feeling most desperate and vulnerable and he bought it hook, line and sinker. Also I caused MIL's fibromyalgia and destroyed her life, so I am really evil.

I understand what you are saying about doing too much. I don't understand though which things I should stop doing.

I have stopped helping kids with their homework, I do remind them to do it, but I don't even check it unless they ask me for help. (They rarely do, and have completely surprised me with their ability to take responsibility for this.)

I have been working on trying not to console S11 when he gets hysterical, I ask him to use words instead of crying and hitting his hands against walls and the floor. He tells me he is angry that I am not "helping him". His IC advised me to not give S suggestions for coping, but rather to ask him to come up with suggestions. But when I do he just says "I want you to help me." He has IC again tomorrow so I can relate this to the IC and maybe they can come up with some ideas together.

I am also giving all three children more chores, they are pretty spoiled so I should step that up a bit. But they have been doing more, they all put away their own laundry, rinse their own dishes, S9 feeds the dog, D walks the dog, S11 is great at keeping the kids rec room clean, and then there are things I ask them to do as needed such as sweeping, taking out garbage, etc. Also they all help me carry in groceries.

Since I have been GAL'ing, H has been having more nights with the kids, but he doesn't really do anything with them. He works on his laptop and pretty much ignores them, but it is a big change in the dynamic. Although he is leaving in January for 6 months so there goes that.

And my kids are old enough that I can leave them for a couple of hours anyway, I just wouldn't leave them at bedtime especially on a school night.

Thank you Jelly. I am going to think more on this and find more ways to "let go" and encourage independence. The H part is hard because he is leaving soon. He has in the past complained that when he travels he is not in touch with the kids, so this time he mentioned that he wants to FaceTime the kids while he is gone. I said "why don't you find a time of the day that works for them and you (he will be in a different time zone) and make it a part of your daily routine to FaceTime them?" I can help from this end with suggesting times but he has to pick up the phone and make the call. It really is not my responsibility to make this happen, it is H's.

Please keep your thoughts coming. This is very helpful.