One of h's good friends lost her 3 year old daughter last week. It is such a tragedy. I can't imagine how she is feeling. It is hard to make sense of something like this. It puts my issues with h into perspective.
The funeral was yesterday. I was surprised, but h actually came. It was the first time I had seen him since the end of August. It was awkward. I had no idea what to say to him and I guess I was waiting for him to say something to me first. He hugged me when he left. I was reminded then of all I the feelings I still have for him. I almost told him I missed him, but I didn't. Now I am rerunning the entire situation through my head and wishing I would have done things differently. I do feel like I need to tell him how I still feel. I just wish I could get the courage to tell him.
I heard from his family that he does have the divorce papers, he just can't figure out how to fill them out. I think his father is kind of pushing him to file because he thinks it would be better for me. That way I could move on quicker and easier. I kind of feel the opposite. I feel like h just needs time to realize the impact of what he is doing and maybe then he would change his mind.
His family would like me to come to their Thanksgiving get together. I would like to go, but I don't know how he feels about it and I don't want to do anything more to upset him. Is that crazy? They have told me to just come, but I don't know. Maybe I should stop making things easier for him. I feel like if he would just let himself be around me, he would remember what he is giving up and remember his feelings for me. Maybe I am just being naïve.
According to his mom, he does not seem to be so angry with me anymore. He tells her he would like to be friends with me - not sure how that would work.
He still claims this has nothing to do with this "friend" and that they are just friends. I think everyone else can see that this is not the case. I am not sure if he is lying to himself or if he is lying to everyone else.
My birthday is on Tuesday. I have plans to go to dinner with one of my good friends. I am trying to be positive about it. I just have this sinking feeling that he will not acknowledge it at all and I know that will make me sad.
Anyway, it has been a difficult week with everything going on. On the upside, it has made it clear to me I still love him and I don't just want him back because it is familiar. It truly is him that I want back.
