less confused newbie 8

[mutatio]

Hi dday, I have a couple thoughts. First and foremost what kind of truck are you restoring?

You do not have to tell your wife that you want more then friendship, she knows it. She's your wife, she knows your into her and want a complete relationship with her. She does not want this now but she knows you do, so there is nothing to say about it.

Fogg's advice is perfect. There is no cookie cutter strategy for you. Take some from column A and some from column B. It depends on what the marriage was like before, vis-a-vis your pattern of behavior. Don't do what you did in the past.

Detachment from your wife builds on itself. It is like a ladder. Your in a hole, jumping to reach the edge but its to high. Someone lowers down a ladder. Do you step on the first rung and jump for the top, no, you climb up one rung at a time. Detachment is like a ladder, it builds on itself.

So get on the ladder and climb up and that little spot of blue will get bigger and bigger until it covers the whole sky. This is how you get your wife to seriously reconsider a life with you. By being strong for yourself, displaying confidence, depth of character and a kind and compassionate nature.

Grab a hold of that rung and pull yourself up.

[dday]

Mutatio! Thanks for the kind words.
55 Chevy. I started it with my dad when I was a kid, and then I was a typical teenager, then dad got sick and passed away. Now I want to finish it with my boys. (And the help of dads brother). I think that will make a pretty cool story someday.

In the past, I would withdraw when things weren't going "according to plan". We wrapped ourselves completely in the kids lives, and left no room for ourselves. Also, we were both "don't rock the boat" people. So everything would build and become a poison. I see now how much better it would be to just sit down and talk when something was needed.

I keep remembering good times lately. Went to a football game with BIL, and spent 7 hours on the road chatting. Talked a lot about past vacations, and memories came pouring in. It's rough, bit I am hopeful that W has that happen too and remember what fun and exciting lives we had when life would slow down a bit and we could have some us time.

[mutatio]

I have a'65 Impala 4 door hardtop(no post) and a '70 Chevelle. Both need a lot of work like us . Fixing the cars is a metaphor for us repairing ourselves.

[dday]

70 Chevelle is my favorite muscle car. Red with black stripes or black with white (Melba toast from the movie dazed and confused) Very cool. And yeah, I could see a lot of parallels with working on us and working on a car.

[sandi2]

You said things has changed between the two of you. How?

Have you done anything different to cause a change in the relationship dynamics?

If she has not ended contact with OM and approached you with remorse and apologizing for betraying you and tearing up the family, then nothing has changed in her heart.

Are you still being available to her? Is she still getting the benefits of your friendship and family togetherness?

I have a question for you, or anyone else that has navigated this path. How do I show her that I don't want to be just friends? I want a W, not a friend.

I thought we had been over this before. Here's the thing, you should not be concerned about showing her you want her as a wife. That's your problem! You should not being showing her that you want to have coffee with her, have conversations with her, or be her friend. You should only be civil at this point in your sitch. I use the word "civil" b/c apparently, you don't know how to be detached and friend-ly without being a friend. You are still trying to convince her to stay M to you.

I see the majority of LBS's trying to do all these things to convince their WS to stay in the M. Whenever a LBS asks how they can "show" their WS they still want to be M, it's just another way of trying to persuade them. To a WS, it is not attractive. The LBS makes it way too easy to be had, if the WS decided they wanted back. The WS needs to work to get the LBS back.

Let me make this clear once again. I believe becoming friends is an important step in rebuilding the MR. However, the problem with the majority of the LBS's is that they want to be friends before the time is right. They want to be friends while they are being cheated on, and generally treated disrespectfully. No WS will find that very attractive, and the WW will certainly not respect a man who is willing to be her friend while she knows she disrespecting him by cheating. Most LBS's want to get the cart before the horse in this DBing process, and it doesn't work with a WS.

So, if you are determined to go the friend route before she does her work on herself, you will more than likely stay in the friend zone. Oh, she may even let you move back home b/c she misses the whole family thing, and she might even let you have sex a couple of times a year.....or maybe not. She won't have a sexual desire for a man she sees a just a friend. A WS even uses the "just a friend" as their most common script when caught with their AP, b/c they know that by nature they should not be in an A with friends.

The other risk by going this route, is the chance of her finding OM#2, then #3.

As you said, you have yet to detach. You are too dependent on the R with her.

[pinn]

awesome post Sandi... this is why I always read any thread where I see you post :-). The great thing is that the posts are always so consistent so it is a good reminder for me.

DD... I would take it to heart.

[dday]

Thanks for checking in guys. But, my W does not have any other relationships. Never has had OM, or an A. Also, since early Sept, W has been asking my opinion of things and seems to heed my advice. The only disrespectful thing to me is the mixed messages that I get. She wants me to be H when it benefits her, but offers no support or intimacy.

What does that change in how to handle it

[Ancaire]

D...I realize there is no OM in the picture, according to W.

Why did she decide D was the only option? I can't quite recall. I don't think Sandi went into a full-blown affair back when she was wayward, either. The thinking was very similar, though. I believe that's what she's trying to get through to you. Your wife is wayward, OM or not. I don't think your approach would change.

She fired you as H. You don't want to be friends. She's cake-eating. You allow it.

Let's start with just those facts. What now?

[sandi2]

Whenever a woman can't give a more extended excuse for wanting a D except saying she wasn't happy.....causes me to think she was looking for something or someone that would make her happy. And in most cases, women have their heads in a fantasy cloud, thinking life will be grand and they will continue to have everything they have now, plus freedom.

If she appears to just want the advantages of M without the disadvantages......I would still stand on what I said about the friendship thing. If she's lost her attraction for you, I still stand on it.

You want her to feel differently about you, right? You want her to see you more than a friend, right? Then detach and stop being available to her. Stop filling the H role. GAL without her. Stop making it so easy for her to use you as a friend.


She needs to think she has lost you, and you have moved on. How much do you think she worries about it?

[dday]

Thanks. I will work on pulling back and living for me. I am trying, and I will eventually get there, to detach. I think I need to do it physically, having less interaction with her, to get there emotionally.