Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.
Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat (drawbridge is up, btw). You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).
Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about the what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peak over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.
THIS is why it is important to avoid pursuing, because it gives the WAS the opportunity to miss you, reflect, see your changes and strength, etc. So, the next time me or anyone else tells you to just enjoy your picnic, you'll know what it means. This is a term that we used a lot this summer, but it kind of went away. I think it describes the pursuit dynamic perfectly. Don't chase the WAS back into the castle and hold him/her captive by standing outside the walls and trying to get his/her attention. As long as this is the case, it is likely that they'd rather starve themselves in their castle than come out.
Last edited by isittoolate; 11/15/1510:19 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
This is the story I try to constantly remind myself of. While we wait to see if she gets curious.... we can drastically improve ourselves. No matter what we get something out of this situation... a better relationship, a better self or maybe, both.
This post helps to make more sense of what my impatience is doing to my DBing.
I'm realizing that when I first stopped pursuing my H, he was starting to peek out of his castle a bit. But I got hopeful, then excited, then started my pursuing behavior again. I fell back to trying to tell him how he made me feel (good and bad) and have watched him literally set his jaw and retreat back into his castle. I even called this morning to apologize for ambushing him with a 2 hour talk when all he wanted was to pick up his mail.
Back to creating a more satisfying picnic. I will stop asking him to join me now.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Interesting interactions this afternoon and evening.
W came home about 4pm . The boys and I were out bowling.
We got back, our guest arrived , and I cooked Sunday dinner ( something I'm good at and like to do - it reminds me of moms home cooked food)
Later after boys in bed and guest had gone home, I was in office and W sought me out to watch TV with her.
We were both on sofa and several times she put one foot/ left up on sofa very close to mine. In the past she would put both feet on top of my legs wanting a foot rub. I had to resist grabbing her foot/ lower leg.
Then she asked if I could get grocery shopping tomorrow. Pre BD this was my job, but since BD she has tried to be 'independent' and do it herself. Now she is asking me.
Later on she sought me out to say goodnight. This is the first time , it's usually been me seeking her out.
Little signs maybe?? Maybe not?? Either way I'm so much more detached than 2 weeks ago. I have GAL activities lined up on Mon, Tues, Wed, Sat and Sun and a parents evening at S11 school with W on Thurs. Busy week ahead. No time to dwell on W.
Space, time, detach and GAL. Let's make a picnic !
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Forgot to mention yesterday was the 15th Anniversary of our 1st Date
I had remembered it in the run up but actually yesterday forgot all about it until bedtime.
Over the weekend I had less urge to text or call W, less anxiety when she was away from home, and less urge to follow her round the house when she got back home.
She initiated most of the convos, from an early call from her holiday chalet, to saying goodnight at the end of the day.
Hopefully its a good indicator that I am detaching.
Tonight is my 3rd Salsa lesson. The group I am with are all shapes and ages, but there are a couple of ladies who have caught my eye. Its good for my self-esteem to know I can attract other women.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I don't want to sound as if I'm picking on you about your goals, but can you help me understand what you mean you here:
Quote:
With W:
1. When W uses her nickname for me (affectionate nickname) more frequently either written or vocally. This will mean she is thinking of me more positively.
2. When W says she would like Us/her to see an IC/MC. An ultimate goal?
3. When W asks for a shoulder rub or foot massage or if I initiate a shoulder rub or foot massage and she accepts
4. When W compliments me on a positive change I have made since BD i.e. 'Your such a good father to the kids' 5. When W wears her wedding band again. THIS IS PARTIALLY ACHIEVED 6. When W is 'happy' to go out with me at a function without the kids - even as 'friends'. SHE SAID YES TO THE MOVIES
What are do you mean or what are you saying in relation to your goal.....when W does this or that? Are you saying you will know you have reached your goal "when" W does this or that?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I can see why vets say ' make your goals about you not yr W/H
I guess there is one goal here.
1. When W says she wants to work on the MR . And maybe another after 1. Is achieved 2. When W says she would like Us/her to see an IC/MC
The rest might be baby steps on the way.
Action: To work towards being a more confident, self assured individual, and eliminating any remaining Nice Guy tendencies. To be more lighthearted and flirty, chatty with the opposite sex, Someone who W will respect and find attractive. How: Taking more responsibility for organising childcare, being involved with my kids after school activities, volunteering for the scouts, loving and playing with my children more and Continue with my fitness and GAL regime.
If I start to flirt, seduce or touch W isn't she going to run a mile in the other direction. I can't see what more I can do. Any suggestion welcome
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
pulled this from a success story
