Thank you so much Sotto, job and Mleigh. reading your messages was the boost I needed today
I spoke with h this evening - trying to condense an 1 1/2hr phone call into a post is not going to happen so will give you the key parts.
We have decided that spending so much money on what is ultimately a 30hr visit is silly. He very much wants to see me again but would rather wait until we can have more time together. We discussed when my next time off will be and its been decided he will come to me for 4 days - Arriving Christmas Eve so we will be spending Christmas together. He will drive up and bring the dogs, s18 will be here with his g/friend, so I will ask s21 if he wants to come up to.I had to mention its the sofa or my bedroom and he said my bedroom if that's ok, but how were we going to explain to s18 (our boys don't know about me and h being anymore than separated parents that weirdly talk alot!!) I said s18 wont think anything of it, in fact it prob would not surprise him at all, he thinks our relationship is "the most bizarre split on the planet"
He said it will also give him a few more weeks in therapy so hopefully will be a bit further ahead in himself.
We talked my future plans and came up with something that fits with us both, which gives him the space he needs and me the direction I need.
So the plan as it stands (which is always subject to change on this journey !!) is that I will try stick my job out until mid feb. I have a girls holiday planned for the end of Feb. Then I will go to the UK for a couple of months, I feel I need to draw a line under the UK and know that I am living in NZ because I want to, not because h is here or my kids are here - but because I choose to be here for myself and to be with them. (to give background, I came to NZ because h got offered a job and we thought why not, I was not that keen to leave my newly started job and friends, but it meant a lot to h and I always have followed him to wherever he went, this have been an issue for me without really knowing it was. I now need to close this door to move forwards with h). I will then return to NZ and move to the South Island to where a dear g/friend lives, its about 5hr drive from h, which means logistics for seeing each other will be easier, this will hopefully get more regular until we are ready to make it more permanent. H is hoping (and this is not set in stone, I know this, I won't be holding him to it, this process will take as long as it takes) that by the time his rental lease is up in Sept next year he would like to be at the point of us starting afresh somewhere new, together. Its not the time frame that surprised me, its the fact he has thought about all this - just goes to show that we have no idea what they think about !!
He opened up a bit more about what he has been thinking about and what he wants to change within himself, he said he does not want to discuss some things with me yet as he may not need to, which is fine by me. I told him there are things I don't wish to discuss with him yet either, but may do one day, or their importance may disappear, he said he feels the same way.
H had a really good weekend which I am so happy about. He said he did talk to one of the boys that he knows has reconciled with his partner after a break and told them he and I are trying to work things out - in fact, get this , he had told him a few months ago when they met up for another jolly weekend .....so they talked about it and h asked his friend for his advice on how to make it work, his friend told him that is the best thing he ever did, his relationship is much better and stronger now, but it takes a lot of communication and hard work, they have tough times still but its worth it. Great for h to hear.
Today has been a good day. I went to the pub with my g/friend, was sober driver on this occasion, but still a nice way to spend an afternoon. Spoke to h early evening and then went to my g/friends for dinner.
I don't want to waste my holidays so I have will have to think of a few nice things to do. 5 days to go ..... grin
so we will be spending Christmas together. He will drive up and bring the dogs, s18 will be here with his g/friend, so I will ask s21 if he wants to come up to.I had to mention its the sofa or my bedroom and he said my bedroom if that's ok, but how were we going to explain to s18 (our boys don't know about me and h being anymore than separated parents that weirdly talk alot!!) I said s18 wont think anything of it, in fact it prob would not surprise him at all, he thinks our relationship is "the most bizarre split on the planet" 