I love how in tune you are about the care your daughter and son are receiving. As a social worker, who worked with families who had children with special needs, I loved working with families where they were really clear about their expectations of professionals and were happy to communicate what was working and what wasn't. Pho keep the professionals on their toes, challenge them to find creative interventions that really work for you and the children in real ways.
What does your daughter have to say about a possible change in her health practitioners and possible treatment plan? Would a change cause her excessive anxiety? Is you daughter aware that this could make the wider family situation better? (ok potentially a stupid question given she is a teenager), but still worth considering. 14 year old girls in my experience are one the most challenging client groups to work with- their changeability is to say the least frustrating, at the worst dangerous. But in saying that your daughter is at age where becoming more responsible for her condition is important. The way you describe your darling girl, I get the sense that she is very smart, and is acutely aware of how adults operate around her condition and in response to her. I would invite her to be part of the decision making.
Your management of your darling son was perfect and exactly what I would have anticipated as your parenting style. Quiet, clear and supportive of your son discovering ways to self soothe. He also demonstrated beautiful insight and empathy in providing an apology the next morning. Not that an apology was necessary, but appreciated. This is never an easy step building his self confidence, and self care skills in the hope it will lead to further independence. You did amazing as did darling son. This is a win, hope you guys celebrated with a happy dance!!
Your boundary setting with Husband is outstanding Pho. He is tentatively learning that Pho can and will assert herself calmly when the situation calls for. This is preparing him for his next step back into being your husband and father to his children. He doesn't realize that you are strategically supporting him to become both of these things. Just quietly he needs to man up regarding his participation in Team Pho and Children. Unfortunately, Pho your husbands response to parenting children with special needs is all to common. I would have recommended family therapy too.
What tends to happen in my experience, is that the children and the primary caregiver become a really good team. The parent, the one providing most of the day to day care, learns the nuances of the condition and the way their child responds. The other parent, doesn't often develop the understanding and practices that soothe the child and feels inadequate. This parent often starts to disappear into the background, because "nothing I do helps"..."she only wants you"..."I make things worse for him". Gradually this parent abdicates all parenting responsibilities and care. In the meantime the other parent and the children are creating a a really tightknit group. They often form a communication that the outside parent doesn't understand. The outside parent feels like an intruder in the family system. The children start to feel they have status over the outside parent. The adults involved forget about their alliances to each other, the fact they are team first. And even though both parties want to be reconnected, the dynamics are such now that it will take a significant amount of trust and commitment to realign the roles and status each party should have. Family therapy is a way to support this realignment of roles and status. I would have loved to have worked with your Husband.
I had a read back over my last post and I thought about what point I really was trying to make. I guess I was trying to communicate, was the idea of MWD talks about Divorce Remedy in that we can offer do too much in a relationship, where it gives permission or allows the other spouse not to step up. I find I do it in my personal life and at times professionally with clients. Just by to much doing, others stop doing for themselves.
I appreciate that motherhood is a never ending cycle of doing. But women need to be careful that they are not doing just because we can't trust other's to do for themselves. I guess when I wonder about you not doing so much, would it mean that your family would do more for themselves. The parts they are supposed to do. That is in no way a critique Pho. As I said I fall into this one regularly.
I hope I haven't offended you in any way with what I have offered. As I said previously I have a huge amount of respect for you. I just think you are the beez kneez.
I 100% agree about your assessment about your NEEDS and WANTS. You are getting very close Pho really!!!
