Ghost Working on getting Stronger and Fitter

[ATPeace]

So I am working in getting stronger and fitter but my emotions are still all over the place

Everyday I am still breaking down in tears yet this has been five months now

I still keep the hope that things will improve against all odds

I still see no positives out of us separating and I am not just talking on a selfish level of me having to do more for myself.

I can see is that the conversation between us has almost dried up I know everything about her work her life she knows everthing about my life and we talk about the kids but a lot of what we used to talk about has been taken away....we cannot talk about our future our hopes and our dreams.

After being married for 17 years how does one keep the conversation interesting

My W spends a lot of time on facebook commenting on other peoples posts she has opiniins on lots of things and I know she misses adult conversation she spends day times with our children and works alone with children for her job.

Throughout out our marriage I have been a little controlling and I was jealous of her relationship with other people and I did not want her to form relationships with other males ....I felt threatened she would want to leave me. So she felt I was controlling her and I believe that most people in some way or another are controlling. She too has liked to control many things during our marriage.

I realise that she likes to go out with her friends both male and female and in the past I would feel threatened by this as I was scared that she would find happy ness with someone else perhaps this was why I did not like her going out without me I know it was down to my own insecurities.

My wife tells me that she loves me but is not in love with me I know she cares about me and does not want me to hurt ....she has told me that she does not want to live the rest of her life with me.

I believe the is because she thinks I cannot change and for her change is not just about doing more with the children and the housework, for her the change would have to be a completely different relationship, one where she is trusted fully is allowed to go out with her friends both make and female when she wants to. I would have to accept fully THAT.

Would this be enought I do not know.... I read on the Internet about the FOUR STAGES OF MARRAGE

Romance
Disillusionment
Misery. I believe we are here
Awakening that things can be great again.....I just want to get to this point

So many people get stuck and divorce at stage three how can I get to stage four

When we talk about our old marriage being dead ...over .....finished ......I can see why this would be the case I realise the next marriage would need to be very different.

So when she talks about loving me but not being in love with me I wish I understood this more..... She tells me that she does not want to be with another man just wants to be on her own likes her own company. I don't think she is looking for someone to romance her back into bed ...I could be well wrong here...I just believe she wants to be loved cherished cared for and I guess for much a degree this is all I want too.

I realise that IF I was to find a way to re kindle the love I would have to make many further changes I am still at the point of wanting to fight for a new and better relationship with my wife and I am nowhere near the point of accepting it is over.

And THIS is what is holding me back from detaching and moving forward THIS and my fear of change, my fear when I drive arround the local area looking at property...looking at what I will get....how my life will change.

My W and I have worked hard over the last twenty odd years to get to where we are now. My dream was to now start to enjoy life together ....My master plan was by this point to be comftable and not have to work so much and be able to enjoy life

My plan was live where we were till we were mortgage free about 5 more years then down scale with my wife to a smaller house together this would give us aprox £400 k equity so we would give the children 100k each to get them started in life

My mother is wealthy and when she passes away would mean that potentially I would be able to roughly double this amount to give to each of the children so each of our children would then get another 100k

I would now be living with my wife in a house worth aprox £400k with 140k in the bank mortgage free to live out the rest of my life and her life and when we die this would also then be left to the children or used for our care

My plan was I would work part time my wife would work part time and we would have a very comftable life. Now all this is upside down....I was looking for a somewhat easier life .....but I do not see how this will ever happen now.

I struggle to understand how being apart from my W can make any of this happen. I do not want to be alone and I would want to be with someone so my dreams of being with my W would end.

My head keeps spinning

All I can do is keep working on the things i can control.

Ghost