Moving Forward

[Enigma]

Good morning Family,

I am largely trying to focus on myself, but can't help at times just wake up at 3am and begin thinking about her and OM, about her turning her back on me. When she wasn't happy with her career, it was great for her to be in our relationship, as soon as she began doing great and being recognize, she began questioning our M. Funny how that works. Its hurtful to me because I have been the same person supporting her from the beginning, regardless of whether she was happy or not.

A few take aways from our conversations that I've come to understand:

She states that she felt like she couldn't share her success with me because I wouldn't be genuinely happy with her, as if we were in competition. I can see that, and this is my fault. Due to her taking on her position, and all the travel required, I defaulted to staying with the kids at home, and not focusing or committing to my own career as she did hers; so when she continued to become more and more successful, I began questioning what happened to mine, I probably played on excuses such as "Well, somebody has to stay with the kids" "I don't want some random person to stay with them" "What would happen if we both focused on our careers, what would happen to our family, to the kids". I realize now that those are weak excuses, I had and have a responsibility to fulfill my needs and desires, I can't blame her or use my family as an excuse.

The constant arguing in front of friends and in public. We are both guilty of this, and it was due to the resentment that has built up during the years. We would be hanging with friends, having a great time, but she would always be cautious, she says that when I drink I don't behave well, as in I don't respect or treat her right, she would begin to mother me when I drink, and start arguments. I can't see why she would be cautious but I would just say, I am having a great time with my friends, everyone is enjoying themselves except for her, and she wants to tell me how to drink. I could have been more respectful of her feelings, and slowed it down. Our friends would say, that they only saw that I was having a good time, and that she started to fight with me over drinking, but I do recognize that I should have been more mature in my consumption knowing she didn't like it.

The constant infidelities, these are deep rooted issues. I have been working with my IC on this, finding these root causes. I am beginning to understand my constant need for external validation and approval from other women. My culture plays a big role, being told by everyone of my male role models, brothers, cousins, friends, that a man is expected to have many women and not be tied down. I was very closed off to my wife due to these types of relationships (emotional, physical, friends) with other women, so we never connected as we should have. I made her feel unloved, and not valuable. I worked on this while we were married, and actually corrected my need (but it was too late by then).

I have been working on all of the above very hard, and exploring myself and discovering who I truly am. I would love to have the opportunity to be in a loving, caring, trust-worthy, exciting relationship with my wife, and holdout faith that if its mean to be, our heavenly Father will see to it. I have to trust that everything happens for a reason, and that I am taking the correct steps by looking within and addressing my many flaws.

Needed to get his out. God Bless.

EMMess,

How do you feel getting this off your chest? I can certainly relate of thinking about WW and OM at odd times. That's natural. What emotion are you feeling inside when these thoughts arise?

Take aways from conversations can be good, but also can be challenging from wayward wives. Do you find similarities of issues and complaints brought up now vs pre BD date? If so I would start with those improvements of yourself so long as it is for you as a man, and not as a husband.

From reading on you are already working on what you want to improve. While you say you are too late towards the marriage, you are never too late for yourself as a man. As you work on you for you, those changes will stick. And who knows maybe wife will see at some stage. We will get the chance of being in a loving and caring relationship again as we are renewed into the person we want to be and working hard for.

I am with you on this journey and will continue to share. Continue the path as outlined by God and we will be fine in the end. It's going through this middle that is the challenge.