Newcomer Looking For Advice

[sandi2]

[quote]I guess what im actualy wondering about her getting in trouble at work is if that will send further into affair or push her out of it. I suppose it probably depends on the person.

Does OM work at the same place? They must have been carrying on pretty heavy if it was making others uncomfortable enough for the boss to step in.

On another note my W this morning was looking over my shoulder at my phone trying to see what I was doing when i was just chilling on the sofa. Is this typical type of behavior from my W that i will see when i start to pull back like i have been doing?

Yes

i said i was trying to give here some space and to keep my mind off the A.

It's bad enough that she knows you know about the A.......while she continues it, b/c making the last part of that statement sounds so weak and passive.

She will be so turned off to see you killing yourself trying to impress her with taking care of your son and the housework.....while you tell her you are trying to keep your mind off her A. You might as well as told her to go out and do the other guy while you will work on getting your mind off it.

The first part of that statement was right on the spot.

Read the WW threads while you are waiting on the DR book. I posted the links earlier.

[Strngr!]

Have you worked out your boundaries? And what actions you will take if they are violated? NC with the OM I would hope would be a must. Continuing to work together is going to be a problem for the EA/PA to stop.

I need to do more reading about bounaries and work them out... my W loves her job so much i dont think she would ever leave it because of this A. I guess i could be wrong. I dono if i could ask her to stop working there. I think id be ok with NC outside walls of work however like i said havent read into or even thought too much about it to be honest!

[Strngr!]

Does OM work at the same place? They must have been carrying on pretty heavy if it was making others uncomfortable enough for the boss to step in.

They do work together I was spying on W quite a lot before i joined on here. What i got of it was they were quite flirty at work ane then there was a wedding her whole work was invited to and she didnt leave with the group she when there with i suppose they were likely drunk and something must have happened at the wedding because a few of her work freinds texted her saying they were disappointedcin her behaivor. She didnt come home until 6am that night and she lied saying she went back to a cooworkerw and passed out at her house.

It's bad enough that she knows you know about the A.......while she continues it, b/c making the last part of that statement sounds so weak and passive.

I May not have explained myself as far as she knows I think she has ended the afair i havent reconfronted her after i found out its continues. I guess u dont know what to say because ive been told not to talk about what ive learned here i would wana say im stepping back to work on me but i guess that defeats the whole idea and im just not sure what to say these days.

Read the WW threads while you are waiting on the DR book. I posted the links earlier.

I Have been reading all these posts and the no more mr nice guy. Im just a slow reader and im a little confused by all these emotions and all the info i been taking in im doing my best and im afraid im getting ahead of myself.

On the bright side in headed in right now to sign up for gym membership

[mvgfwd2]

So you are saying she may love her job, where OM works, more than her M and that is OK with you? Do you think that position adds or subtracts from how much respect she has for you?

[Strngr!]

So you are saying she may love her job, where OM works, more than her M and that is OK with you? Do you think that position adds or subtracts from how much respect she has for you?

I suppose that would subtract from her respect for me... Her brother and sister inlaw came over to our house last night and she talked about starting an at home buisness with her BF once our basement is renovated so that would work as a solution i suppose.

[Strngr!]

She keeps asking about time appart and basically sepration. I never know what to say to her when she brings that up. Last night i told her im uncomfortable with her contining to text with the OM. She tells me they are only talking about sports or work as if they are just friends. Im tryinv to use sandi's rules but fear my actions are being seen as cold and mean.
Ugh! Losing my mind gota stay stong!

[Azzork]

You're "uncomfortable" with it?! What is that supposed to mean to her?

That's like telling a heroin addict that doing drugs is bad for them.

[Strngr!]

You're "uncomfortable" with it?! What is that supposed to mean to her?

That's like telling a heroin addict that doing drugs is bad for them.

I dono what to say anymore maybe i should just keep telling here i dont know what say when she approaches me to talk about our relationship. Im trying to find myself and i just feel like im more and more confused every day. How could i have approached that conversation differently?

[Azzork]

You're "uncomfortable" with it?! What is that supposed to mean to her?

That's like telling a heroin addict that doing drugs is bad for them.

I dono what to say anymore maybe i should just keep telling here i dont know what say when she approaches me to talk about our relationship. Im trying to find myself and i just feel like im more and more confused every day. How could i have approached that conversation differently?

In general, there isn't anything you can say that will make any kind of positive impact. Mostly, any time you open your mouth to talk about your R, you are going to be moving backwards; especially if the topic is OM.

You didn't give enough details for me to have any recommendations on what you should have said. But I'd read the boundary thread.

Instead of "I don't like when you text OM" you need to draw the boundary around yourself "I will not be around you while you are texting OM." I'm not great at knowing what TO say, better at just keeping my mouth shut. But read that thread.

[sandi2]

May not have explained myself as far as she knows I think she has ended the afair i havent reconfronted her after i found out its continues. I guess u dont know what to say because ive been told not to talk about what ive learned here i would wana say im stepping back to work on me but i guess that defeats the whole idea and im just not sure what to say these days.

Okay. Confronting her will do no good at all. And please do not tell her you are working on yourself, etc.

I know this has to be very difficult for you, and what you are reading here sounds so completely opposite from how you feel you need to work with her in getting the M back on track. While a woman is wayward, she really does not have a desire to work on the M, b/c she has the OM in her head. Even if the A ended, if they are still in any kind of contact (including seeing each other at work), it keeps those PEAS going strong. (Google PEAS and read how this works in the brain like a drug). If they never see, hear, text, email again, she would have to go through withdrawals. This may sound crazy, but it's true. She craves the thrill of a new romance.

The best way in not being sure what to say, is say nothing.

She keeps asking about time appart and basically sepration.

This is typical whenever they want freedom to play house with OM, and/or to push him into a committed R.

She tells me they are only talking about sports or work as if they are just friends.

Please tell me you are so naïve as to believe that ^^.

Im tryinv to use sandi's rules but fear my actions are being seen as cold and mean.
Ugh!

Mean and cold? She's having an affair! She wants a separation b/c she thinks she's in love with him. And you think the solution is to be all sweet and cuddly and tell her you aren't comfortable with her texting OM.....and that you are trying to work to improve yourself? You need to stop everything and finish reading NMMNG before you read anything else!

She is not going to get D b/c she thinks you are acting cold/mean. She will want a D b/c she sees you being a weak sister. Want to know what attracts a wayward woman? The very thing she can't have. That is why when the H will pull back, she'll draw nearer to him, if the H does it right.

You don't have to be cold......just don't be all warm and fuzzy to her. Stop trying to please her. Stop trying to persuade her. You don't have to be mean.....just don't cater to her and/or her wishes all the time. Don't be her BFF. She is a cheater and a liar. She is firing you as her H and wants to replace you (in fact, she has replaced you in many ways, already).

Do you want to know what she needs to see? She needs to see her H standing up to her, instead of giving in to her. She needs to see her H as being a man who commands respect from her. One who will not tolerate her disrespectful behavior, her cheating, etc. A man who will not be tossed around and manipulated by a WW. She needs to see you decisive, instead of passive. She needs to see your inner manly strength.

You are overwhelmed at the moment. Finish reading NMMNG. I think it is much better to read one book at a time.

Most newcomer do get confused at first, b/c they are trying to digest a lot of new information while dealing with a terrible sitch. Eventually, you will begin to grasp it.