I realized today that while I am detaching from H, there is a really unhealthy element to my detachment. I can't tell you how many times I catch myself muttering "I hate H" throughout the day. The good moments are when I feel mostly numb. His mess, leave him to it.
Far too frequently, it's mixed up with bitterness. I'm trying to pay attention to it, and move my feelings in a more positive direction when I catch it, but it's really hard. I really do have a well of hatred with H's name on it after all that has transpired. I'm not sure how to handle it. Give it time? Let things settle?
The hatred emotion is hard on my body; I get tense, breathing gets shallow, heart rate increases - but it is there. I realize that what I'm doing, being aware of and redirecting the emotion, is hugely helpful. But the fact is that I harbor ill will. I'm not capable of forgiveness right now. His actions hurt my children, too, something I trusted him to never do.
Has anyone struggled with this? Have you successfully moved past it? How?
