JellyB, thank you so much. Not only for the wonderful compliments, which I dearly appreciate since I am trying so hard for everybody, but for the research and time you put into your post. I have been so impressed with your insight on other's posts, and am eager to re-read and reflect on what you have written to me. I will also read Edz thread and Zues's post. I will read the links from V. I will post now, because my brain is spinning, but then I will take the time to digest your post, and V's and get back to both of you.
One of things I did not mention is that D's counselor, psychiatrist, and the new family therapist are all in the same location and its an hour away. This is the hospital where D was in her partial hospitalization program for 3 months last spring. D misses a lot of school every time she has an appointment (usually 3-4 hours) and I don't think they are helping all that much. I am thinking of "firing" that whole group, finding a local counselor to talk to D. I have one in mind. She is 15 minutes away and works with a psychiatrist, so maybe I could combine those appointments. Or if she is not available, maybe she could see S's counselor and they could take turns. He is also 15 minutes away and I really like him.
H will be leaving for his job soon, so put off family therapy until he returns. With the hope that if each individual's stress level is reduced by then we may not need a family therapist, or if we do the work we do there will be much more effective because each person will be healthier.
As far as saying no. What exactly should I say no to? Last night my S wouldn't stop complaining and crying about his sister, kept coming to my room to "talk" and "cry" I lead him back to his room and told him I was sleeping, he could cry quietly so as not to wake me up, or just wait until the morning to talk. He chose to cry quietly (he wasn't that quiet, he cries loudly to try to get my attention, like a baby, this is new for him and it breaks my heart) and then he apologized to me in the morning. Is that what you mean by setting a boundary? I felt at the time that it was the only course of action other that was appropriate, but it didn't feel good.
I have set some boundaries with H since BD and I *think* they were respected but I haven't followed up on them. Without getting too bogged down in the details, in May I asked him to stop getting drunk and raging at me. He stopped. In August I asked him to go "no contact" with OW as I found out they were still having "friendly chats." I think he agreed. I haven't followed up or snooped. And in September I asked him to not discuss me or our marital issues with his parents. He had resisted this one for months, it was a huge issue, they had been raging and spewing at me alongside of him for months, but finally he agreed. I haven't followed up with this one either, have no idea if it was respected, but he now leaves his laptop and phone unguarded. (He had been receiving emails from FIL such as "My Wife is a Controlling Bitch"....Sound like W? , and divorce articles, and links to D attorneys. ) Anyway, he leaves his laptop unguarded but I haven't snooped once since May. (The email I saw in May was so hate filled from FIL that I literally vomited.)
I would like to say "no" a lot more. But not sure when, and want to pick my battles wisely. So much is going on that I'd like to prioritize and strategize so I know what I am working towards.
What I really need is for my children to manage their stress better, for my children to become more independent (making progress here), and for my husband to get out of limbo with the are we or aren't we staying married thing. I have been in limbo for too long. I need an answer. Not today, not tomorrow, but in the near future.
What I really want from life is well adjusted children, a fully engaged coparent, a fully engaged male companion (and yes sex is a part of that), someone to joke with, share experiences with, confide in, laugh with, share with- mostly companionship, yes its nice if he will pay the bills but I can always go back to work, what I want is the companionship. And finally I want to start working on achieving the goals on my bucket list- things that will keep life exciting and interesting and fun.
The rest of it- whether I go back to work or not, whether the IL's give me advance notice of visits or just drop in, whether we sell our house and move into someplace smaller and more manageable, or whether H travels frequently or stays home more, all of that, are details that I can figure out later but are not really core to my needs and or wants. I am not saying they aren't important, but I am saying that maybe if I focus on my actual needs as a foundation then I can move on to my wants.
OK. Off to make dinner and then playtime with my boys, followed by reading up on the links and threads mentioned by Jelly and V. Not a bad evening! My D is sleeping at a friends house, so we have some quiet tonight.
