I hope you don't mind me saying. But I think you are FANTASTICALLY FABULOUS.
I haven't been reading your sitch long. But you are indeed one of the most wonderfully dynamic women I have come across in a long time. Your are so intelligent, and I mean you are both smart intellectually and emotionally. You are warm, you are interested in the world around you, you engage and are engaging.
I have been attempting to understand the dynamic of your sitch with husband, because I don't get it , quite frankly he doesn't realise the amazing wife and gift you are. Using DB terminology he is a fool.
For the last two weeks the question I keep asking myself is what would happen if Pho for one reason or another stopped doing what Pho does. Which is everything btw .
I really do wonder what would husband do? what would kids do? what would In laws do?
(Btw MIL needs to be gracefully ignored at all costs - she is an energy zapper/soul destroyer) . If you want to read good intel on how to support a Spouse with a parent/child separation issue find Edz thread. He is not here anymore, he successfully DBd his marriage. But his MIL was a sticking point for his relationship- Edz managed everything was such grace. PP reminds me a lot of Edz energy - peaceful/composed, but gorgeous male vulnerability)
Back on track. What if Pho just decided one day, that she wasn't going to get out of bed before 12 pm. What if Pho decided she needed residential treatment and not her daughter.
I know I am being fanciful in some ways. I have seen this often with dynamic women. You are indeed so good at keeping all the balls in the air, that everyone stops being impressed by the feat that it is, and they back off and let you keep juggling, while they become obsessed with their tummy button fluff.
The other question I had is what happens when Pho says "no". I find the family therapists comments interesting about you having no voice. My view is slightly different. How can a woman who does everything for everybody have no voice? You are so busy talking to everybody and everyone about everything. My sense about you Pho, you have a voice Pho, and by gods it is powerful. Girl you get S**t done!!! Your voice hails though foreverybody else's agenda and needs and not your own.
I wonder what saying no without explanation would do in your household. I hear your response, chaos would prevail, every body would be upset with you, everyone would blame you, everyone would demand that you do it their way. But Pho don't they already. Doesn't everyone in your household make you responsible for their level and experience of happiness and contentment. What if they could still behave exactly as they are now and you actually get your needs met. You saying no would maintain the status quo for them.
Zues did some lovely writing on 4mykids thread, about the power of asking for what you want. It is a skill, not one I have perfected. I wonder what this would do for you. I talk about saying no as a starting place as sometimes it is easier to deal with than figuring out how to ask for what you want. No is simple. And "No that doesn't work for right now"...."No, I will have to think about that". I purposely went through a stage of saying no, even when I wanted to say yes, just so I could practice and get people to get use to me saying no. So i could get use to hearing myself say No.
Anyway Pho these are just some reflections. I really couldn't do what you do Pho. Please don't underestimate the power you have to change what is happening, because right now I see your Superhero qualities and I'm f***** impressed.
PB: Pho give me some time to talk to some of my therapist ( I have a a friend who is a paediatric occupational therapist and works with a lot of children with neurological conditions and social work friends who work in the areas you are talking about and I will get back you about some possible ideas or resources.
