I woke up this morning at 9:30 am, I don't think I have ever slept in that late. I must have needed it.
Yesterday was a rough day with my daughter, and then last night my son was a mess. This morning the two of them are fighting and snapping at each other non-stop.
I have decided that their issues have to be my priority. They are not doing well. They are improving, both in IC, but even so, the day to day with them is extremely stressful.
D is 14 and every word she says to me is just dripping with condescension. And she has a neurological condition which makes her react to certain sounds with rage, mostly me and H, mostly me because I am the one at home with her. So between the condescension and the rage, I am worn out.
Then there is S11. He cries every time D walks in the room, if he hears her from the next room, if he sees her through the window, etc. And by crying I mean full fledged hysterical crying and he tells me she is making comments or gestures to him that I do not see. She is either very sneaky or he is imagining this. My guess is a bit of both.
So, please, any advice or books or techniques that anyone can recommend to me, please help me. I have read everything, and tried everything , but I am worn out and overwhelmed and maybe need to look at my sitch with a beginners mind. See, DB applies to everything. Maybe I should write out goals for them?
Start small, they should greet each other- hello, good morning, etc.
They should stay in separate rooms at all times, and we can start with 5 minutes at a time of being in same room with out screaming/crying.
I can ask my son's IC for more direction. Right now they are working on S "letting go" of certain triggers, and then with the bigger, non-negotiable ones, using words to describe his feelings instead of screaming.
I have too much going on, too much stress, too much emotion, too much for one person to handle.
And to add to my dilemma, the family therapist I saw this week told me that my children's issues would not improve until the marital relationship does.
And to add to my dilemma, the family therapist I saw this week told me that my children's issues would not improve until the marital relationship does.
Frankly that kind of evaluation makes my blood boil.
Each child is different with each parent.
Their issue seems to be with each other?
You know you can't have goals for them, although you can help each of them have goals for themselves.
Do you need a new family therapist, one committed to your family as it is?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/14/1505:59 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Pho, I'm sorry I'm new to your sitch. I have been trying to find your original threads but not having much success. Would you tell me what diagnoses or mental healt/behavioural medical or other assessments your children have had. If that isnt to personal. What interventions, medications etc. cheers JellyB
You make great points V. Why is your family therapist involved? What is the focus of their work? What model of family therapy do they use? Do they have experience working with children with neurological conditions?
Sometimes children act with each other in these circumstances for lots of reasons. Have they co-oped each other into creating a dynamic in the hope of bringing mum and dad back together. Or have the just developed a communicaton and attachment style that is conflictual. Sometimes it is too much activity, not enough good rest, wrong food types and they are tired from a school semester. More often than not its all of the above. But Pho you willingness to explore the issue is important, if it is only to bring you some peace.
JellyB- my D has misophonia (reacts to sounds with rage), she also has ocd, OCPD, which is like ocd but she wants other people to follow her rituals, and thyroid disease. Her issues are primarily directed at me and H. She refused to even be in the same room as H for almost a year before he had his "breakdown"- he cannot emotionally cope with her.
My son has general anxiety- primarily directed at D. Although in the last few months he seems to think everything is all my fault as well- he wants me to control D and if I don't/can't he gets very frustrated with me.
It might be hard to find my old threads because I stopped linking them when I went through a phase of paranoia thinking MIL was stalking me online, which has happened before so its not all in my head. But since then I have revealed so much detail anyway so I would be easy to spot. The problem is that I want to be more "anonymous" but this is the absolute best place for me to get support so if I don't share, I don't get the support I need, so that wins out over discretion.
Cadet- I finished watching through Season 5 and I am waiting for Season 6 on Netflix which is supposed to be out next month. I am eagerly waiting for it!
V- I went to family counseling alone last week. It was interesting. The counselor wants me to put D in residential treatment, without even meeting her. She did have all of our old records from D's hospitalization program in the spring. The counselors (there were 2 of them) were very much "on my side" and that was encouraging since I feel like H has been given a pass by our MC all this time, but the reality is that being "right" isn't going to get me anywhere.
The counselors believe that the problem stems from me having no voice in the marriage. H either withdraws from me or has a huge emotional outburst if we disagree, which over the years has lead me to STFU. So yes, I have no voice. But H probably feels the same way about me- not the withdrawal part, but he thinks I have had the emotional outbursts. Basically we were not listening to each other. The counselor thinks D observed this dynamic as a baby, became angry with H and opposed him, clung to me but also resented me for not standing up for myself. So now she has no respect for either of us, and no attachment to H. I see that maybe that was a part of the dynamic, but really D has neurological and emotional issues that would have worn anyone out, and over the years the stress of her issues brought out the worst in us.
I have often said, and still believe, that one of hardest parts of having a special needs child is that the demands highlight your weaknesses as parents, but your strengths get overlooked if the child's problems are not resolved. People, including family members, are so quick to judge and to blame the parents, especially the mother, for any problems with the child. As I am writing this, it is becoming clear to me that if we pursue family therapy that we need a therapist who is familiar with the demands of parenting special needs children.
I am also overwhelmed with therapy- between 2 children in IC, me in IC, H in IC, and MC and now family therapy, that is a lot. A lot of therapists in the mix, all with their own theories and strategies. Its too much.
Also, V, I agree that people should set their own goals but as the mother of these kids I am setting some goals for family harmony. Such as greeting each other appropriately and being able to be in the same room as each other without screaming for short periods of time. I will leave it up to them to set their own goals of how they are going to cope with my "rules" and their own stress levels. But something has to change, especially with H going away, I cannot leave S and D alone together and this is crazy.
Up until June I could leave them together for a couple of hours at a time, or have a simple family outing. From June until about September I couldn't leave them together at all, without them screaming, S slamming his hands into the walls, etc. Now finally I can leave them again for an hour or two but only on good days. We have made some progress, but we have a long way to go.
Pho, I will respond, I spent some time researching your daughters issue. I will research iew my notes etc. I need time to think.
I think too many IC in the mix, I agree too much.
Your goals for the family are really boundaries I think.
I need a wet towel and some space to reflect. My thinking about your voice is more about your leadership. I still tend to the leading and strong boundaries with very positive body language. I will muse.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
