Still riding the waves

[mleigh4]

Thank you. I have thinking about this so much. It is so hard, I would love to have the 3 of us together, but not the way it is right now. I picture it and it just does not feel right. I can't even fathom buying him gifts...

I have finally come to a place where I realize and accept that H is no longer a part of my life. I can even say it and have to several people. It no longer brings a feeling of fear or grief, it feels more like it just is what it is. Certainly not by my choice, I feel I have done all I can do. It doesn't bring me down, I can say it in one sentence and laugh in the next. I never thought I could be here, I feel.....released.

My gutters need to be cleaned and I struggled with that one for a week. H usually does this every year, but I could not bring myself to ask. I also thought about him actually being here, which would probably lead to him wanting to take more things, or be Mr. Caring and nice and leave me frustrated....it's funny, I can imagine situations and the feelings that come across me make it easy to see what the clear answer is. Same with the Holidays. So I called a handyman and he is coming out next week. I still have money in the joint account that I use sparingly for these types of things so it's not just me paying for it

Job, IDK...his reply to me sounds like he is just fine with everything. Although, It would be just like him to sit back and let me call the shots, no matter how he really feels about it, with no expression of emotion, either agreement or disagreement, which leaves me feeling guilty and confused. PA at its finest.

We switch of S today and tomorrow. I got my chin up, we shall see how it goes......does he really think I would want a scooter???? I just can't wrap my head around that! Lol