Hi focus! I've just caught up on your thread. You figured out early on that you needed to drop the rope. Good for you! However, it is so much more easily said than done, right? I used to wonder whether my H was MLC or WAS. In the end, it really doesn't matter. H is gone, lost to whatever impulse is driving him. I so desperately wanted to "save" my H from his bad decisions. I almost ruined myself instead.
What I've learned is there is really nothing you can do once OW is involved. Nothing for H. There is plenty you can do for yourself. It is everything you do for yourself that will matter in the long run, whether H comes to his senses or not. By choosing to focus on you, you grow as a person, you become strong enough to deal with whatever may come, and you reach a point a calmness.
You will radiate serenity and calmness, thus there is no need to worry about what H has to say about you to people at work. They will observe you, working and going about with dignity and integrity; they will observe H, clearly making bad decisions and gossiping like a teenager. Why say anything at all? Actions speak way louder than words.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. It's absolutely awful, isn't it?
Time, time passing and having no contact or word from my H is making things easier.
I'm trying very hard to throw myself into my own life (and my own work). I've always been completely overshadowed by my H's career and his personality too (he's a total extrovert...loves being with people and bringing people together).
I feel like I'm starting to come out of his shadow a bit.
I'm finding the more I am present with people, and give myself genuinely to them and what they are bringing to the conversation, the more they are warming to me and are drawn to me.
I'm trying very hard not to worry about where my H might be, or what he might be doing. I can now manage big swathes of time without him crossing my mind. I can sleep a bit better and don't feel so overwhelmed all the time. I can have a conversation with other people without feeling any need to talk about what has happened/is going on
I've noticed that my H's bank statements are still coming to our house. He's not one who is interested in the practicalities of life and dealing with its responsibilities, so this doesn't surprise me. But he's self employed, so he needs his banks statements to do his tax return. Anyway, that's not my concern, is it? It's his.
However much I love my H, I need to remind myself that I love life more. So I won't be dragged into his chaos and dragged down by what he's going through. I mustn't, for my own sake.
Focus, you really are catching on. Even so, it is a process, and you need to walk through it, no way around it except to go straight through the middle of this emotional train wreck. You are going to have sad days, anxious days, tired days. I still have them - more than I'd like to admit- and I am almost 10 months into this. Being hurt, and DB'ing expends a tremendous amount of emotional energy, there are days where I think I could sleep 12 hours. Or more. The good news is that the emotions become less intense. You are grasping the concepts really quickly, but still, its a process. Be patient with yourself. You are in my thoughts.
Thank you, thank you so much Anicaire, for all your comments and kindness. They mean so much to me.
Originally Posted By: Ancaire
Hi focus! I've just caught up on your thread. You figured out early on that you needed to drop the rope. Good for you! However, it is so much more easily said than done, right? I used to wonder whether my H was MLC or WAS. In the end, it really doesn't matter. H is gone, lost to whatever impulse is driving him. I so desperately wanted to "save" my H from his bad decisions. I almost ruined myself instead.
It's been going on for so long now, this awful situation, and it's drained the life out of me for a number of years now.
In a way, leaving is one of the best things he's done. It's given me peace and quiet, no more 'treading on eggshells' feeling all the time, no more dealing with his roller coaster all the time. I have more focus now too.
Originally Posted By: Ancaire
What I've learned is there is really nothing you can do once OW is involved. Nothing for H. There is plenty you can do for yourself. It is everything you do for yourself that will matter in the long run, whether H comes to his senses or not. By choosing to focus on you, you grow as a person, you become strong enough to deal with whatever may come, and you reach a point a calmness.
You will radiate serenity and calmness, thus there is no need to worry about what H has to say about you to people at work. They will observe you, working and going about with dignity and integrity; they will observe H, clearly making bad decisions and gossiping like a teenager. Why say anything at all? Actions speak way louder than words.
Yes, I agree. We work in the same industry. And because of who he is in the industry, I'm known as 'his wife'. He's very, very good at what he does and everybody adores him.
I think a few people have twigged what's going on (some of the older, wiser ones). But the other day, I was complemented the other on being very professional, looking well turned out and well cared for, by someone I really look up to (she's aware of what's going on). It meant so much to me.
Originally Posted By: Ancaire
I'm really sorry this happened to you. It's absolutely awful, isn't it?
I never knew pain like this existed in the world.
Had a bit of a tough time this evening. I thought I was going to have to run out of a room at one point I felt so bad. But I stuck it out and I don't think anyone noticed how bad I was feeling.
Sorry if this is all a bit scrambled/I'm still very tired.
Focus, you really are catching on. Even so, it is a process, and you need to walk through it, no way around it except to go straight through the middle of this emotional train wreck. You are going to have sad days, anxious days, tired days. I still have them - more than I'd like to admit- and I am almost 10 months into this. Being hurt, and DB'ing expends a tremendous amount of emotional energy, there are days where I think I could sleep 12 hours. Or more. The good news is that the emotions become less intense. You are grasping the concepts really quickly, but still, its a process. Be patient with yourself. You are in my thoughts.
Thank you so much pho.
I'm one of those people that runs at a problem straight on. And I do anything and everything to get to a place where it's not a problem any more.
I'm not scared of the darker side of life, and I'm definitely not scared of the darkest parts of myself.
My counsellor says I'm very resilient.
I'm not quite sure my H is capable of any of that though. I don't know. It's all up to him really. All I can do is try and focus on myself really.
I feel heartbroken.
I remember feeling really joyful and hopeful for so many years when we got together and for so many years when we were first married as well. Where on earth has that all gone? How can that just disappear?
When I look at pictures of us, they just seem to belong to another life entirely. I can't quite connect with them any more.
Hello focuss22. I am so very sorry that you have to go through this. What is sad for me is that I could have predicted everything that your husband has said. What I am learning is that they all say the same thing about what a lousy spouse they have and it doesn't matter what the spouse did because it was never enough. There is a line in a country song that says "If I really could have hung the moon would you change your mind?" That's where we are. We have tried very hard but are told everything is our fault. I think the real work here is getting to a point where we love ourselves and focus on making ourselves happy and learning a few tools to deal with our spouse. Or dealing with our next spouse!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
You are so right, shotgun. I have been reading some of the other threads and I am absolutely stunned by the similarities. They are certainly different in the details, but the similarities between them are all so striking.
At the moment I am wondering if I have it in me to deal with this for another I don't know how long.
I guess I've been dealing with this gradual disintegration in my H's behaviour for so long now (5 years) that I think that another couple of years isn't much time really. But then I'm so worn down by it all, and my self esteem is so low, that I think it might be best to just walk away - for my own sake. And then I think that a difficult time is also an opportunity for tremendous self growth.
You know, Focus, I like to say H' s behavior changed suddenly, with no warning - but that's not true. 3 years ago his mother died, and he's been changing since then...I just didn't realize how much until BD. He never seemed overly afraid of death before, but now he's brought it up a couple of times; once, in reference to having to watch me die - and again, saying he was worried I would kill him. I did ask a policeman for a gun so I could shoot his cheating behind, but, I wasn't quite myself at the time. And he's assuming I wanted him dead...not! I prefer the idea of him suffering. Guess I'll keep that to myself.
I would ask if you dug deeper, wouldn't you see some of the negative signs in their character were always there? And perhaps just magnified and more visible because of the A? In my case, I had always told her she had a "princess mentality" and a sense of entitlement. She didn't like those labels, but they were accurate. Selfishness, problems telling the truth, a sense of entitlement, all charcter flaws of a cheater.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
I so agree, Flight. I always felt there was a slightly selfish, egocentric view my H had. He's just allowed it to run increasingly riot over these past 5 years.
Anicaire, I also agree with you. That's the thing that causes me most pain...missing how much my H was changing. I'm still tortured by that, and sometimes really wish I could turn the clock back. I don't know what to do to deal with this feeling.
