Zephyr, slow down. You said "she is still in her crisis". That, right there, is the biggest challenge you face right now. DBing is exhausting, isn't it? All this bending, swaying, accommodating, for years and years. Do you want to get to the final stage of marriage? The happier ever after? If you get through this trial, you've got it made!
In what ways do you think CSA has impacted your relationship? I know in mine, I wanted to be intimate less and less over the years. It wasn't because I didn't enjoy it...I've been giving this a lot of thought. It's probably the only thread I will ever discuss the topic on, too. It's almost like we come to view sex as a kind of barter-system, unconsciously. Not a tit-for-tat, exactly...but similar.
I remember, when H and I were in our early years together, feeling extremely sick to my stomach after ML and sobbing. I had no idea why...but the emotion involved was too much to handle. Later, I got more and more indifferent. I didn't mind if we did, but never initiated. I could go weeks at a time without, and it didn't bother me at all. I resented H whining and complaining about how he wanted more sex. I felt pressured and bitter. The word "bitter" is an interesting choice. My H never made me feel angry and helpless in this area...so the bitterness must come from farther back. I need to dig deeper here, find the source, and forgive.
So...CSA is not impossible to overcome. Acknowledging that it ever happened is HUGE. Most of us bury it deeply. We might mention it once to people we trust, but we never want to speak of it again. However, never dealing with it is a colossal mistake. Does your W see an IC? I would ever so casually ask if she's ever gone over healing from childhood issues in her sessions.
I know she can move past it, because I'm choosing to do so. It'll likely be a long time before I'm ever able to...um...Be with H again, but I will dig this thorn out of my soul. I was a little kid. I didn't do anything wrong. I'll do what I need to forgive, and let it go.
If your W never addresses it, and refuses to let the little girl inside her heal...that could be bad. COULD be. I firmly believe we need to love the wounded child inside most of us. Love, support, and help them forgive. Some people never do this though, and they're just fine.
Z, you can use my story as a jumping point if you want (if the time is ever right.) Ask her what she identifies with and how she feels about my beliefs. Encourage her to talk to an IC about it, or get some self-help books on the subject. Patience and letting HER work on it are key. Remember, we DO NOT LIKE, in fact WE DETEST, discussing the subject.
This got kind of long...I was thinking as I went. Let me know if you have questions, and I'll do my best to help.
