First of all, thanks everyone for checking in on me. I will try to reply when I have a chance. Second, I do not think I have focused enough on gratitude. So I am going to again remind myself, in no particular order, of all the things for which I am grateful: 1) my health. I just finished a 1/2 marathon 4 days ago and I have hardly any aches or pains. In contrast, I have a friend who just had a lung transplant and is also on dialysis - please say a prayer for him. If he heard me complaining, He would probably hit me with a 2x4. 2) my children. They are are so adorable. I love them to pieces. They are the joys of my life and I feel like I can't hug them enough. So yummy. 3) my family. D is hard. Everyone knows this. Without my family, it would have been infinitely harder. I am so thankful that my family has been so supportive. As painful as this is, my sitch has definitely brought me closer to my family, and they have really stood by me. I wish them only health and happiness. 4) my friends. They are always a great sounding board and many have pledged support to me in this time. I am also lucky to have them for GAL. 5) G-d. I haven't been crying out in prayer enough lately, but I know that when all is said and done, there is just me and my G-d. Everything He does is for the best. He has been carrying me the whole time, guiding my path, urging me on in the background, like a parent encouraging their infant to walk. In quieter times, I can feel this. The impulse to write this list in the first place came from G-d. My sitch could be much much worse and it isn't, thanks to G-d's benevolence. Psalm 23 comes to mind. 6) my job. I have an understanding boss and supportive colleagues. I may not be the best employee right now, but the sky has not fallen.
There is actually a lot going on. I am still dealing with my own feelings of anger at my Ws callousness, but I have not lashed out since the last outburst. I am working on my self-esteem, too. We had a meeting with our Ls. I am amazed at how unprepared and ill-informed my W was. I felt good coming out of the meeting. I at least have a sense of what the major decisions are. I also know where my W stands on things. Lastly, I feel the process is now moving, which is much better than stagnant purgatory.
My W really has no income currently, but she really wants to keep the house. I do not know how she can finance it, and I don't know how she will pay for the mortgage. I am not sure how I feel about the house. I would not have a problem refinancing, but there are a lot of bad memories there. However, the kids are used to that house. If I let her buy me out of the house (if that is even possible), I will have to rent for a while, then possibly buy again. I am not sure why she even wants the house. I am not sure what would be best for the children.
One of the other things on which I have not been focusing enough is GAL. I run at night and learn with a friend early in the AM, which have both saved me, but that is about it. I always have some excuse. I like to put the kids to bed at night. By the time they are all tucked in, it is pretty late or I am too tired. I also stay at work too late - discussed previously, and working on it - trying to take Vs suggestion. I can't shake this fear that I will be perceived as not being home enough. So I avoid doing things right after work.
I really want to set some GAL goals. It is a bit more challenging because restaurants are out (I am strictly kosher). I don't drink - very low tolerance for alcohol. Work takes up too much of my time. My friends are also family men and busy. I have signed up for meet-up, but I have not gotten the courage nor found the time to take advantage of it.
I feel like I have this same struggle over and over again and never advance.
You sound like you're doing well (considering the sitch). Have you ever seen 25's list of GAL activities? There are lots of things to do that don't include restaurants or alcohol! Do you like to cook? What about a cooking class? You may be able to find one that is kosher and maybe one to do with your kids.
Day trips to places in your area that you have not been to. When I was "home" this summer I did a lot of exploring with my D17. Waterfalls, lake shore, state parks. We did include some Diners, Drive-ins and Drives restaurants too but you could pack picnics. I couldn't believe all the beautiful places right around where I grew up that I had never seen. You can probably get a book for your state "Hidden State" that has all sorts of things that aren't popular tourist attractions. I do this when I go on vacation to different states.
Volunteering? Habitat for Humanity, homeless coalitions, youth sports, local schools, your place of worship, with a running group to help at races, humane society...whatever else is close to your heart (can also include kids in these).
Photography, painting, pottery, kayaking, paddleboarding, archery, skeet shooting, biking, museums, art galleries, check out a new local band (you can drink water!), festivals, karaoke, snowboarding, gardening, rebuild an old classic car, read a novel, woodworking...
Think about somethings you have always wanted to try or sound interesting. They don't have to take all of your free time, for example if you volunteer it could be once a month or an hour a week.
You got this!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Hi Fogg. Thanks for inquiring. I am doing well. I kept wanting to reply to some of the previous posts, because I really value all your opinions, but I just could not find the time - Sorry all. I have been very involved with work. I have said it before, but I just cannot afford to let my work slide. It would just add to my stress. I have a LOT on my plate right now.
Today was a very hard day. My W sank to a new low. She switched Ls and her new L is a pit bull and a big jerk. We met today. He was very rude and he marched into the office trying to dictate all the terms. He was insulting and tried to make it personal. When we would not have it, he LITERALLY walked out with my W, saying he is going to take us to court. So much for dissolution. He and my W will be filing for the D. I think this is going to get ugly. I am trying to rise above it rather than stoop to their level.
This move was very shocking. I don't know my W anymore. It feels like she really wants to hurt me and she is getting advice from people who really want to hurt me. I try not to take it personally, but it still hurts. In a short while, I will still have to walk into my house with a smile on my face and treat her like a neighbor. Very hard.
On the bright side: 1) Even her L admitted that I am a very caring and involved father 2) I am thankful that I am stronger than I was. A few months ago, a confrontation like this would have knocked me out for days. I was shaking by the end of the meeting today - I have never been treated so rudely before, but I regained my composure and actually got some work done. I feel pretty good right now, because in reality, nothing changed today. My mission is exactly the same: Go home and be a great father for my children. smile, spend time with them, fill their love tanks. I even have a GAL activity planned. 3) My L really stood their ground and was not flummoxed. 4) the entire community supports me.
You're still going through some very difficult experiences, RAI, and I'm very sorry about it. I can tell that you're very sensitive, as I am and so many here, and that it is taking a toll on you. But you've also been making some outstanding efforts to do the right thing, to be good to your kids, to behave as much as possible with your WW, to keep on working, etc. It's not easy in the moment, but keep on doing the right thing and one day it will all pay off. If anything, take inspiration from a hero of mine, Gandhi, who never wavered in the face of aggression and not only inspired millions (billions?) of others, but won his case. Watch the movie, if it can help, that would be an easy GAL activity after the kids are in bed!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks, Mozza, for the words of encouragement. I saw the film Gandhi. He was very inspirational. It's funny you should mention him. I was telling my children about Nelson Madela today - another very courageous individual.
I cried a lot yesterday (in my office with the door shut before I came home), but in between the crying, I felt pretty strong and actually got some work done. Still, it was a real shock to the system. I went into this meeting expecting to negotiate. Instead I received a hard kick in the arse. It seems my W feels she is entitled to the whole kit and kaboodle and is making a bid for it. Her filing for D is just more evidence that she is driving this runaway train. I am sure my children will realize in due time that as some point she came unhinged and I cannot be held responsible for this train wreck (beyond my contribution to the breakdown of the M). I have a lot of anger still, but I've been told that once we are no longer under the same roof I will feel sorry for her.
That said, I had a GREAT dinner with my children last night. I did not waver for a second in front of my W. Today was also a great time. I am trying to be in the moment - trying not to focus on the future or the past. It is a real challenge, but I was partially successful. Sundays are hard, though. There is just not enough to do on Sundays to keep me distracted.
When the pressure goes up, I think I turn inwards, I lose focus and can only think of myself and my survival. I apologize to all my fellow DBers. I know you all have struggles. I wish I had the time and the energy to turn outwards and offer support and friendship to all of you. I think that would be much more therapeutic than wallowing in my sitch. Maybe that should be one of my goals.
WW L is like this because she has nothing else, judges are unimpressed by it. Further WW is in an urgent position without her own resource. Her choice. My WH is doing the same getting aggressive because he wants cash and resource. His eyes on the main chance, it isn't happening.
She has that to which she is given by law, nothing more or less. Make decisions on that which is best for you and your kids.
Your L sounds like they have been around the block and nasty won't work.
I really don't think you need have any fear on D in this. WW won't get the house, what she sees is her life rebuilt with a new copilot as it was. It's an unworkable dream.
Stay strong and stay firm.
It's ok.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
If it can be of any help, I would recommend reading "Getting More ", a negotiation book by Stuart Diamond. It's been most influential on me, in part because it teaches a very human approach to negotiation, taking into account human nature and not based on some power plays.
I'm mentioning it here because the author is actually pleased when the other party is mean. He keeps his cool and knows that the other party is making a fool of themselves. Under no circumstances does he change his act because the other party becomes mean and ends up using it against them.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
