less confused newbie (7)

[dday]

That's rough up. I hope I don't go through that too.

Back to drop the rope/as if: I am going to PRETEND that I have had "the talk", and W answered something like "I'm not ready" or whatever. Then hopefully, I can move forward a bit and quit watching her. I have to get my mind to follow the advice I have been given. Maybe this can do it

[Ancaire]

D, I keep thinking about this, and am having trouble with how to advise you.

You're still determined to wait until after the holidays to have a talk, right?

Your biggest concern is you don't want to get stuck in friend zone?

You want to pull away, so she has to pursue?

I think I see it. Get busy. Get so busy you don't have time for her. You get sucked in when you're doing things with your kids together. Start talking on the phone. Text someone. You are so busy with your new life. When she sits next to you, get up and move away for privacy. Is she asks who...ask her why she wants to know.

You're enjoyment of the friendly interactions is what is making it hard. You've gone past pleasant into buddy-buddy. Pull back. Now. You don't have to explain...You're just so busy.

She left you. She wants to be friends. You said, "no thanks", and yet...there you are.

[dday]

Ancaire, it appears that the talk is coming soon. Probably later tonight even. She is asking about Christmas. I asked her if she really wants to have that conversation with a house full of 1st graders. She said I didn't realize it would be a conversation. I asked how she expects it to not be emotional, and kids came running in.

Not sure how far this talk will go, but it is an r talk, nonetheless

[Ancaire]

Gulp. OK. What are the key points you want to cover? Do your best to stay calm and on-topic. Be pleasant, but firm.

Make a list if you have a to. I've done that before to make sure I say what I need to say and not go too far off course.

D - please prepare yourself. She is really happy cake-eating right now. She may not be happy to have you call a halt to it. It would surely be better for you financially to have some resolution, but the distance could increase dramatically.

Strong. Calm. Focused.

I'll be looking for an update later...

[dday]

I know that she wants to do Christmas morning together. I want to watch the boys open gifts, but I don't want false hopes for them or me by sharing it. I know detach...

We have had good times together the last few weeks, so my hopes are up. I know they shouldn't be, so I will try to prepare myself. We just did s6 bday Lazer tag party. It was fun, and we worked as a team herding all the 1st graders.

I had a longer post, but I guess my phone ate it, lol

[dday]

Well, W didn't bring anything up again, so I let it be. I know that Christmas conversation will come up again. She was voicing concerns over babysitter. Her H is having surgery, so she will be off work for about 4 weeks from Thanksgiving until new years. Only working a week or so in that time. So W assumes that I will be able to take off work and watch the boys. She said "that's how it always worked out in the past". I reminded her that things are different now. She said " well I figured we would split the days of vacation". I reminded her that I had burned a lot of my time due to our sitch. She just nodded.

She seems to want to treat me as if we are married some days. I need to find a way to show that it is not the case and not be an ass about it. Talking, obviously, only goes so far here.

W appears happy, or at least content. Kinda has that sparkle in her eye. I don't know if it's being around me, or being single and "free", or what.

I noticed that she has been wearing new clothes lately. Must be nice to but clothes for herself while I am worried about paying bills. I'm not mad, just noticed it. We talked quite a bit tonight, all pleasant. I wanted to say so much more, and hesitated when I was leaving. She noticed too. I'm not sure what I would have said, but I just left.

I didn't tell her that I wouldn't be at ball tomorrow. The boys know, but I didn't mention it to her. I'm not sure if I should have or not

[dday]

Oh yeah, I asked s4 when it was just he and I, what he wanted for Christmas, and he said I want you home daddy! I love that little dude. I asked what else and he said some movie, and that's it.

[Ancaire]

D...I'm struggling here. You're in the friend-zone. You can't R if you're not getting along, but you've let her put you where you don't want to be. Let's do a temp-check:

Is she flirting with you at all?
Is she always dressed nicely around you?
Does she seem concerned if she can't reach you? You know, pursuit behavior - multiple missed calls?
Does she ask about you? Are you seeing anyone? Where have you been?

Those are pursuit behaviors. Are you getting any of those? Let's see where you are before continuing.

[dday]

She is always dressed nice, yes. Other than that, nothing.

She does seem to try and check on me though, makes excuses to come to my rental occasionally. But that could be checking in for the kids sake

[Ancaire]

At this point...not pursuit. Temp-checking. She wants to make sure you're where she expects you to be. Stop doing that, D. Be elsewhere. I know it's hard, but you DO NOT want to be in the friend zone...that is where you are.

Take forever answering the door. Mess up your hair when you do. Don't invite her in.

Does she only come by when the kids are there?