Today was a day of reflection. I looked at where I began after BD, where I am now, and saw growth. I didn't get the change I longed for, but I got a lot of things I didn't even know I needed. I had no idea how badly I was managing my emotional and physical health. I'm making huge improvements in both. I was completely in H's control, with little voice of my own. I've since rediscovered Judy; who she is and what she wants. I was paralyzed by hurt and fear. I've made plans to begin changing my life.
In the middle of all this hurt, I've found something precious. After some guidance from Avanti today, I was able to find two rare gems in the dirt:
1) I accept that my M with H is over. It needs to be right now. Whether we're ever able to R is not something I need to worry about right now. This time is for me. I have things I need to address. He has things he needs to work on. Our journey together is at an end for now.
2) I am grateful, in spite of the pain, that I get to have this opportunity to really focus on just myself. There is deep pain buried in me that has had a hand in the current catastrophe. I don't like even thinking about it, but things were done to me as a helpless child that should never have happened. My soul was literally scarred. It's time to heal. I never had that opportunity when I was busy taking care if everyone else. So, yes, I'm grateful. The sun has found the real me, and it's time for me to nurture myself and grow.
I just wish I could stop crying, but I guess there is so much inside wanting to come out, the tears must be needed to ease the way. I know there are still rough days to come in the immediate future. I will handle them the best I can.
