My IC (just had 2nd session) was asking me something long the lines of what am I doing with those feelings...I'm not screaming, I'm putting on great act at work, I'm remaining pretty calm with kids (for most part). I only cried in her office, so I guess I'm internalizing. Not healthy.
Pig pen, mustard seed, pho,
Did not do great with the goals this week. I'm gonna take your advise pig pen and write a list for this upcoming week. I did try that dance class though and while it wasn't great for socializing I lkie learning the skill set.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie, so what does your IC suggest you do with those feelings? That's what gets me stuck, I don't want to internalize them but how do you express them in a healthy way. I have been trying my own brand of "music therapy" - just singing along to music that fits my emotions and that seems to help. I bet your dancing would work too. I would like more ideas on how to deal with these feelings.
It was a bundle of hurt, bitterness, betrayal, and fear. My brain literally felt like it exploded. According to psychiatrist, it did. I have to start paying attention to my emotions early, literally checking each hour. I have a scale, 1-10, I'm using to monitor both where I need to be and extremes. Anywhere between 3 & 7, I'm good. Once I start moving too far either way, I have prearranged actions to take to manage myself. Here they are:
Take a walk. Call a daughter. Coloring (have an adult coloring book) Deep breathing and meditation. Dance to fun playlist. Read Bible. Write in journal.
Those are a few. I was so humiliated by my total loss of control, that I finally got serious about managing the depression. You guys probably don't have to be as hyper-vigilant, but I don't see why this method couldn't work for you, too.
I've been doing so much better. No extremes because I'm paying attention and have interventions in place.
Pho, my confusion was that I can't trust my feelings because 1 day I feel one way and another day I feel different and I don't know what's right. Especially due to my anxiety and quickness to catastrophize things. She just said that I have to realize that I have a right to them because they are feelings and it doesn't matter what husband is doing or isn't doing (is he like this because of alcohol or OW) or if im wrong or right. She mentioned I'm still in the same situation regardless and entitled to feel what I feel. And went over a way to look at one of those thoughts more logically but we need to get into it more. (Only 2nd session and she's trying to get a background)
She didn't really say how to express them. I mentioned to her my lack of assertiveness ( thank you vanilla. This was great observation) and she took notes.
She also said, I have to act quickly and legally and get things In writing to protect myself. This has me nervous, because right now I have kids majority of time and am happy with this. I worry about the confrontation and battle. It's hard because of course I have to view him as an enemy. The legal process is terrifying to me. Also I don't know if he wants to be an enemy. Maybe he wants amicable relationship and me making first move in sneaky way will make him get nasty back. This comment invoked tons of anxiety in me lol.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Went out last night with a group of vey uninhibited and unconventional friends who are all very comfortable in their own skins and just a lot of fun. i myself have not been comfortable in my own skin for a while. I often worry, "I'm too old to be doing this, or I'm going to look ridiculous" but I started to come out of this mind set and just had fun. Before settling down with husband , I was like this. I didn't care about what others thought or about being "proper and professional". I just had fun and did what I wanted. When I got married I became boring. I put myself into this role of sweet and conservative wife, staying at home and making it all about the kids to the point it wasn't healthy even for them. Really, I needed to loosen up a bit instead of following the paths of my 2 very conservative (not politically) parents. This had nothing to do with my husband. He was and is not controlling at all and would have supported me. It was a role I put myself into and tried to put him into as well. And we both were miserable and had no fun.
So I think that's my journey...to have fun in the present, embrace good times instead of focusing on the misery, and stop worrying so much. I will see this separation as a way to get myself back.
I am trying to get away from the anger by committing to these thoughts...
Husband does not owe it to me to love and be with me forever. He has the right to say he is unhappy and want out. He is not the only man out there. We both played a role in the demise of our relationship.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Thank you for your kind words on my thread. I appreciate them, I really do. You have no idea.
Your posts and your situation touch my soul also. We have similar coping strategies.
I have felt extremely challenged by the need to acknowledge and accept that I pushed away good men, who loved me, I pushed them away because I held some ideal of what love looked and felt like, what a relationship should be and feel like. That I made very lovely men unhappy.
My feeling about my own journey is that before I could make any movement to what I really wanted (which is a loving and committment, real relationship) that I had to forgive myself for what I felt I did wrong in all my other relationships.
Self love is an expression of forgiving the self for not being perfect.
Iylana Van Sant, states "when you know better, you do better".
Forgive yourself that you didn't know how to do it any better than you did. Forgive yourself that you happen to make the man you love unhappy (this may or may not be true btw) . It is only from here can you truly experience your whole self and invite a loving man into your life, including H.
Lady V talks about atoning to yourself. V has written about it frequently and very recently too. (I will need to search whose thread this was on - but it was a great.) There is purpose in making ourselves accountable for actions that have done harm to ourselves. But atoning is a kind gesture to self. It is a loving gesture to yourself to move yourself forward. Atoning is done from a place of grace and kindness. It is done without guilt or shame. I am still learning. I am a novice.
Please do not morn that you forgot your fun loving, uninhibited and carefree self. It is likely the opposite self served her purpose too. Don't be sad that you lost her, be excited that you have rediscovered her.
Just a couple of thoughts ok. If you think of WH as the enemy he will be one and respond like one. Can we reframe this a little? Can we think of WH as an ally in battle but one we think may be uncertain of?
In the same way that the elves and dwarves are in the hobbit movies? They fight together but are really wary of each other.
I know you will be an elf!
We are all made of parts, one of mine is Plain Vanilla another is Screaming Banshee. You have dutiful wife and organised mom together with Ms Proper and of course wild child (you call them, these are example names). These parts don't disappear they just have different roles at different times. There is no need to mourn, wild child is ready to get her party shoes and glad rags whenever you ask.
What other parts do you have?
You can Google Genie Laborde or John Rowan, this is well established psychological theory now. I do love it.
Your can embrace dutiful wife she keeps you centered and organised. But she isn't the only part of you.
We aren't talking about multiple personalities, just parts of ourselves we express or have in us. Some split these into shadow characters and higher spirits.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/15/1510:10 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Julie, so what does your IC suggest you do with those feelings? That's what gets me stuck, I don't want to internalize them but how do you express them in a healthy way. I have been trying my own brand of "music therapy" - just singing along to music that fits my emotions and that seems to help. I bet your dancing would work too. I would like more ideas on how to deal with these feelings.
Crying is really good, and if you can't cry in your IC office then where the....
Journaling is great too.
Most emotions are a body state, change the physiology change the state, exercise, dancing and exercise terrific.
Also try this:
Identify the over strong emotion
Where is it in your body?
Is it moving? Sticky? Tar like? Does it flow? Colour?
Then outline it's shape in your body, then roll it into a ball.
Move it around in your mind, shrink it smaller and smaller.
Roll it to a finger or toe, then flick it away.
That's what I do. Mine is spit like and headed to WH!
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/15/1510:19 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Have a pretty busy day today so will read up more later...but I literally laughed out loud when I read your lord of the rings analogy : ) and yes.... I would be an elf!
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
