To be more specific. Suggestions such as going dark in the 37 rules but I read about complimenting her on little things. Seems to be a conflict to me.
Go back and read the 37 rules. Which rule says to Go Dark? There is a big difference in DBing detachment and Going Dark. I believe the only way a person can successfuly go dark is when they are living in separate homes and have no children. (Apparently there are others who believe in going gray, etc. I think that loses the concept of what Going Dark is all about.....but maybe it's just my pet peeve). Anyway, my point is that it isn't in the 37 Rules.
Which rule says not to complement?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I guess with all that is going on my focus is somewhat distorted. After re reading the 37 rules I mixed a few things up. Please answer this question. We are living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed. All physical contact has stopped. Basically I've done a complete 180 from how I used to be. I am being too distant which in turn could suggest I too have thrown in the towel? I do not expect an overnight change and I am too worried that my wife, due to her strong willed nature, will never initiate conversation about our marriage.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
Feeling better lately. Still trying to find the time to complete DR. Living in the same house and sharing the same bed makes it difficult to go dark. Guess I've gone grey. I find it hard not initiating conversation although I have not discussed our M since the bomb dropped.
There is no tension, most of our discussion is about our children but we do ask each other about our workdays. Sometimes she asks sometimes I do. I keep my answers short and do not get into too much detail.
I am trying to GAL but it's been difficult. I stopped playing hockey years back to make sure I was always available to take my boys to their games and practices. I started to play again on nights where my boys were not scheduled to play.
I want to know how she feels about us now. In the past we only had discussions about our M if I inititiated it. And those discussions were more like disagreements with me apologizing for past actions. I would know when something was bothering her but she would never initiate discussion. I had to ask all the time. At which point her anger towards me would show and I mouldy apologize again we would let the matter rest until the next discussion.
Not sure how to act when we are together at home. I am always pleasant around her but I really am confused on how to do the180. I have stopped pursuing. What else can I do. I fear I will never know if my actions are working as she has never been one to open up without coercion.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
I am being too distant which in turn could suggest I too have thrown in the towel?
In what ways are you being distant? Are you acting cold to her?
Quote:
I do not expect an overnight change and I am too worried that my wife, due to her strong willed nature, will never initiate conversation about our marriage.
Not initiating a conversation is not quite the same thing as not saying a work, know what I mean?
Quote:
Living in the same house and sharing the same bed makes it difficult to go dark. Guess I've gone grey.
Why do you think you should go dark?
Maybe you can explain to me what going grey is?
Quote:
I want to know how she feels about us now.
She told you when she gave you the BD. Why do you think her feelings have changed?
Quote:
In the past we only had discussions about our M if I inititiated it. And those discussions were more like disagreements with me apologizing for past actions. I would know when something was bothering her but she would never initiate discussion. I had to ask all the time. At which point her anger towards me would show and I mouldy apologize again we would let the matter rest until the next discussion.
So why do you think it would go differently now?
Quote:
Not sure how to act when we are together at home. I am always pleasant around her but I really am confused on how to do the180.
Taking a 180 degree in direction is a term meaning to go the opposite way. For example, you have always had to pry her to open up about any problems she had in the MR. Okay, in what ways did you try to get her to talk? Asking questions, trying to pressure her to talk, begging her to talk, getting upset, what? How would you take a 180 degree turn?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My 180 is not talking about our marriage at all. In the past I would always initiate a kiss good bye and a kiss good night. This has stopped all together.
I am a unsure if I should initiate any physical contact at all. Would a gentle rub on the shoulder, or quick stroke of her hand be considered as pursuing. I don't want her to think that I have totally given up on our marriage.
In the past when I could tell she was upset I would ask what was wrong. If I didn't ask she would keep what was bothering her inside be cold towards me. I figured if I could bring the problem to the forefront we could settle the problem sooner. I don't think I ever pressured her to talk. If she didn't want to talk I would walk away.
Recently, I get the sense that when I do say goodbye before I go to work, she is expecting a kiss. It may be wishful thinking but sometimes she almost leans towards looking for a kiss . Not to the point where I turn my head away, as I would never do that but leaning towards me as we say good bye.
I am working on gaining her friendship again then hoping we can take the next step in rebuilding what we once had in our marriage
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
Could you answer my questions in the previous post, please?
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am not acting cold at all. I am just not having any physical contact. No kiss goodbye or goodnight. Some nights I do not even say good night where as I always did in the past. I feel she may have had second thoughts of suggesting we go our separate ways in June as she mentions possible future plans for camping as a family and other events in the future. I would like to have some sort of discussion about our marriage because I feel better equipped in handling any negative reaction she may have. This due to reading DR. We are getting along, and we talk about everything , except our relationship. My 180 has been no kissing goodbye or goodnight, not being ready to drop everything to accommodate her schedule while totally rescheduling my day. As I typed this I realized my 180 needs more work
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
I am struggling today. We spent the better part of yesterday evening painting our living room. Atmosphere was pleasant but I can't help but feel conflicted with our situation. Here we are improving our home, acting as if all is ok, but knowing she may ultimately decide to leave, I feel that this effort in improving the house is a waste of time and money. Part of me wants to say, why wait for the inevitable and suggest she move out now.
I know if she is planning on following through on separating at the end of the school year, I will not be leaving the home.
I also hate the idea of giving our children the impression that all is ok. The longer the status quo goes forward, the more I feel like I am deceiving my two sons.
I am confused on what to do. Play nice, give the impression that I am ok with the charade until June, or tell her that I find the present arrangement unacceptable.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
I know if she is planning on following through on separating at the end of the school year, I will not be leaving the home.
Okay, then make the home improvements for you.
Quote:
I also hate the idea of giving our children the impression that all is ok.
So what do you want to do, break their hearts now? Let them be kids and finish the school year without this worrying their hearts. I can't remember their ages, but parents don't pull their children into their personal M problems, they protect them. Of course, if she starts to leave, then you will have to talk to them, but not now, not before the holidays. There is plenty of time before school ends.
Quote:
I am confused on what to do. Play nice, give the impression that I am ok with the charade until June, or tell her that I find the present arrangement unacceptable.
Maybe that's b/c you are trying to go "grey"?
I think it's the mood you are in today. It's understandable. Just don't act on things when you are having a day like this one.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for the advice. In short there is so much I would like to say to her but I know at this time its best to wait and hope she opens up conversation about our marriage.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
