bttrfly - h does not like to phone/skype at this time as texting gives him time to formulate his replies. This crisis has really affected his head and he cant think as fast and as clear as he used to. He find sit hard to put things in to words, so texting/emailing gives him the time to work it out.
So I asked him about me visiting next weekend - he said he had thought about it and yes he would love to see me, but could we meet elsewhere because its come out that where he now lives could be compounding his guilt issue when with me - the therory is that he has created 18months of negative history so having me come to the place where he made it triggers the guilt feelings.
All was going ok, but then he started to backtrack and it all became too difficult - it turns out that he booked a trip away to meet up with his old work buds, he now cant afford to come away and meet me to, plus s21 is away next weekend so cant look after the dogs, plus it would be the 2nd weekend in a row he would have been asked to do it. Then h got the guilt on himself as I had asked him weeks ago before his trip with the boys came up, and he feels he has let me down, plus feels that I should be his priority, more guilt. Then it was guilt about disappointing me. Then we got to him not looking forward to his boys trip any longer - to which I replied, that I am sure once he is with them all he will have a great time.
I did come up with another option of us finding a place nearer to him and taking the dogs with us - but looking at flights for me, renting a cottage and fuel to get there, the cost for one night is a much as a week away abroad now, as we left it too late so prices gone up.
If I cant visit him or entertain the idea of moving to the same place so we can at least see each other more often, then until he gets to a place in himself where he can shut the door on his history and start a new life as a new man in a new place then I cant see how this is going to work out. Another hurdle to overcome ....which if we really want it to, we will.
I agree job, things need to have a change up - he said his therapist told him that he got into a relationship to avoid having to deal with his issues, so it was never going to work as he was in denial. He understands now that this was not another "failed" relationship per say, it was one that would have never worked out. H said that whilst he is doing what is best for him, he is also doing what he feels is best for me, he does not want him to live an altered life to please someone else as it does not work as we have found out.
He also said that his therapist agrees that he does not need to talk about this with anyone else outside them, as his feelings and thoughts may all be transient, so it may be a needless conversation that only causes confusion and pain for all parties. Until he knows what is staying and what is going and what he is prepared to live with, then he would like us not to discuss his current issues. Once he knows what and who he is then he will talk to me about it.
I feel that I need to put him to background again, just carry on as best I can, not putting the pressure on a having a r with him. He knows what I want and where I stand, so I have done all I can for now. He is going to discuss my current situation with his therapist, so that he can advise me of whether I should include or disclude him for any near future plans I am making (job change, move etc).
So looks like we wont get to meet up, but thats ok, I was really disappointed at first and felt like yes I was not a priority for him, especially as I asked him well before the boys did, but I realise that it is a part of his life he would also like to encourage and a happy h is a better h for me. I have not put the guilt on about it, I hope that he had a good time so it gives him a boost. It will be next weekend when he knows he should have been spending it with me that will give him a down time I expect.
He could come up to me in the next few weeks, he could see s18 and then spend a day with me, he suggested it as an option - I have left this one alone as I have not told him our weekend is not going to happen yet - speaking to him tomorrow. Will see if he suggests it again.
This really is going to be a long road, I suppose I did not get my head around this properly. The not being able to visit him let along move nearer has been a kicker for me.
