I see a lot of myself in your wife's past behaviors. Our situations are different because you didn't dive off the deep end like my H, and become an abusive butt-head. I truly realize that until H comes to his senses and apologizes for his treatment of me, I'm better off with complete NC/total darkness.
In my self-reflection, though, as I'm striving to learn all I can about myself so that I can fix what needs fixing and grow into the best person I can be, I see so clearly my own actions and behaviors that led to the demise of my M. I understand I am in no way responsible for H' s choices. I am responsible for his getting to a point that there was a choice. Does that make sense? I accept responsibility for me and my actions. I acknowledge I helped put H in a bad position. I'm NOT responsible for his choice of behaviors.
I'm attempting to get to the point..LOL
My behaviors are on me. I want to fix them. I'd like H to someday see that I heard what he said, took his complaints to heart, and worked on it. How can that happen if we're totally NC? We share adult children, but until the day he apologizes for treating me so cruelly, I plan to not speak to him...ever.
You may say it's too early for me to worry about it. Divorce is inevitable at this point. I'm as fine with that as I can be since he's out actively bedding OW. Is there redemption possible? Does a man completely stop loving? Is he so hurt by her apparent apathy that his heart turns cold? I just want him to know how deeply sorry I am for not having been what he needed me to be. I could have done more, Z...and I didn't.
Maybe I just need to accept that there is no real way to tell. I'm trying to look into the future, aren't I? What can you males tell me, from your point of view, what can I do to gain forgiveness? I didn't cheat or lie...I just withdrew to the point of not being there at all. H says I really hurt him. There's probably truth in that statement...No happily married person jumps into MLC.
I'm shaking my head at myself right now. Clearly, I still deeply love my H. He is toxic to me at the moment. NC is the best way to proceed. I would cut off my arm to save him. I'm so worried about the cost to his soul his awful choices are causing. (And I hear the chorus...let him go)
So, Z...since I see so much of myself in your wife, what happened that changed the dynamic? Do you have advice for me with that type of behavior in mind? I've given you tons of questions here, you and the other guys...but it's so helpful to get a male perspective.
If you need a female point if view, I'm the girl for you! Thanks so much for your advice and support on my thread.
