titikSate

[Vanilla]

I think you grew up in a family that couldn't, or wouldn't, attach great value to your basic needs and wants, and your natural impulse was to suppress and add a desire to please those around you, it started with those ACE markers, I really think so. This isn't abuse but neglect, a very different and indifferent mechanism.

What you wanted didn't matter so you appeased and thereafter I believe that set the pattern with other relationships. With FIL instead of relating as an adult male to adult male, you placed this wonderful man on a pedestal and attempted to subjugated your needs to his. He didn't need it and would have assumed your submission was contentment. Your needs did not get expressed although I suspect that it may have been safe to do it.

You learned to contain anger inside, afraid to express it in case you were excluded from the work and entwined family group. Your role did not fit you, the anger has to emerge somehow and it did so as a passive aggressive response, alcohol. Your own needs went into hiding as you medicated with alcohol.

Your needs never became known, you kept them secret and I took enormous effort. As a result the passive aggressiveness became reinforced as your main way of coping with the world. The anger was once again turned inward as a destructive fonce.

On giving up the alcohol another opportunity to atone and grow was lost. Damage to Rs with unsurpassed anger has to be atoned in one way or another or it erupts. The anger and frustration was never expressed and it's truely a source unexplored.

Healing of those original unmet needs has not occurred yet and the need to appease resolved.

It is your history spattered with guilt arising from suppressed anger. In order to do that passive aggressiveness was needed. As a child it was not expressed, as a young man with FIL it was distracted. Then suppressed with alcohol, following which contained by passive aggression.

You never let your expressions of negative emotions show. I think because of fear of that childhood anger becoming uncontrolled.

I think you have no strong mechanism for anger management and thus you numbed it and behaved passive aggressively. It emerges at the edges, and you feel inauthentic. I think it's a sense you have of yourself that your skin is thick in case the inside strong emotions burst through. The suit of armour stops you from coming out not the body blows from coming in. You deny your responses of anger because you fear exclusion.

Anger will always find a way to emerge, it cannot be eliminated and you fear it. Hence you become too "nice" to redirect it. In other ways, its corollary is to dampen love. At one stage I challenged you because you referred to your children as amorphous as an extension of W, on a continuum. Indistinguishable. It's different now and you see each as individuals, which pleases me enormously, but that passive aggressiveness acts as a damper on your feelings and . It is as if you feel once felt intensively the anger will leak. You would rather live without authenticity than address the needs left from childhood. Your W can never meet those needs and theating childhood deficit repaired only by you. Your parents were flawed, and you can let that go and it's ok. The anger of unmet need wI'll be released.

Periodically, you must find a way of alleviating this negative emotional build-up without causing serious damage to any relationship that you perceive as precarious. As a result without such mechanisms you decieve yourself and act out passively aggressively, even acting against your own best interest. And sometimes WW does this for you as a surrogate, WW passive aggressiveness arises because her princess needs are not being met. Stonewalling, sulking and avoiding in order to control, you feel comfortable with it as you know it in yourself. It was you cross and once again instead of anger, you feel pain and hurt. It's easier and familiar, an old pattern from childhood.

You both found ways to sabotage, undermine, deceive, betray by disappointing as you grew up, however, in two families that couldn't, or wouldn't for very different reasons, attach much value to your basic needs and wants, your impulse to become yourself shelved and that need rationalised. You were unclear who you were and it was easy to shelve or medicate in a featherbed rut.

You fooled yourself into thinking expediency was what you wanted, sacrificing growth for that expediency? There was hidden rebellion.


You circumvent the growth you need by not addressing the childhood needs and learning to use your anger. Criticism is avoided and evaded as well as self evaluation.


Addressing the childhood need and learning to be assertive rather than passive aggressive would serve you well. Your needs were not met, and you deflected anger into self subjugation. That is why you fear that anger. Anger is powerful and it needs addressing.

If you think my evaluation has merit, then we can look at that FOO to release the anger, safely and to direct it.

We need to know exactly which childhood needs remain unmet, and to see if a new life story can emerge. The pattern was set long ago and has been repeating in each Act in a different way. It can be addressed, and usefully so to move on. This is because suppressing one major emotion acts to dampen the otherst. It's like having a massage with your winter coat on. The whole senses dampen. It will be unfamiliar Mutatio. It means leaving facade and becoming truly authentic. That means acknowledging umnet long ago needs.


These are my thoughts.

V