I was really blindsided when he said that - it was as if he WANTED me to start shouting and crying. All I can do is make sure he knows I am willing to listen and to speak about my own feelings, and stick to my guns about walking away when he starts being abusive.
I think there are changes - the initiation of sex, the asking me if I wanted a massage - those kinds of things. I think I am single handedly breaking the pattern of our dynamic an he has no idea what to do about it. It is almost as if we've changed roles a bit. When I was really ill, I used to be hugely loud and emotional - shouting, crying, manipulative. It was absolutely wrong and I should have sought medical treatment earlier and controlled my behaviour better. He did used to listen and try to appease me because he wanted peace, and I know now he resented doing that, felt like he lost control and autonomy, and doesn't want to do it any more. Wise, wise decisions on his part - he should never have been my punching bag and it's right he's drawn a line there.
But I suspect that he feels I owe him, somehow. That because I've behaved badly in the past, I should be willing to tolerate more from him. I am willing to keep trying and to be patient, but not to become his punch bag in turn. I think we're both having to learn to communicate like adults, and I might be a hair's breadth further along in the process than he is because of all the individual therapy and introspection I had to do to recover from my illness and understand the impact that it had on my marriage.
I guess all I can do it stick to my goals and hope that he's able to find the strength in himself to meet me face to face as an adult. I really want that but I can't and won't manipulate him into it, nor settle for anything less in an intimate relationship.
I feel calm and clear today, even though the future is less clear than it ever has been.
