Thanks guys. I really appreciate these pep talks and advice.
I'm not sure where we go from here. There seems to be a pattern - he does try to get closer to me in some way, and when it doesn't go how he wants (and I'm only guessing here - I have no idea at all what he wants), he explodes in a tirade of nastiness or pettiness and gives me the silent treatment.
Last week he initiated sex with me. VERY VERY RARE. I told him I was pleased, I was loving and responsive. He did a particular thing, I told him I wasn't ready for that and would he slow down a bit. About two minutes later, he did it again. I said, 'I feel a bit rushed. Can you just [insert specific request here].' About two minutes later he did the thing I'd asked him not to again. I turned the light on and said, 'this has upset me. I don't want to carry on. I'm going to get dressed and go to sleep now.'
In the morning I approached him and held his hand and said I was ready and willing to listen to him, I wasn't going to push him, I wasn't going to attack him, but I needed him to respect my boundaries. He ignored me for another two days, and threw some of my possessions away because he was angry that my desk was messy. It was nothing important, so I ignored this.
Today he said he wanted to talk. I said great, I will listen to you, please tell me what is on your mind. He spoke for ten minutes about how unreasonable I am, about how I have no right to treat him like he's sexually assaulted me (I never accused him of this, never used those words) and have no right to sit there all calm and dignified (!!!). I said, 'I want to listen to you, but you're going to have to stop swearing at me. There are things I'd like to share with you too, if you're willing to listen?' He did a nasty impression of me. I left the room. He followed me upstairs. So I left the house for a few hours.
I am going to follow your advice about the money. I don't plan to support his hobbies any more. I plan to live my life as separately as I can. I'm certain I don't want to live with him - he is a grown man and can fend for himself. I suspect this will come as a surprise to him, even after the conversations I've had with him.
I don't think he's a bad man. I think, for some reason, he just isn't able to talk about how he feels, ask for what he wants, and listen to how I feel. It looks to me like he feels attacked and terrified and he goes on the defensive - and that me having a boundary about how he speaks to me, or how he touches me, is interpreted by him as me attacking him. Because I won't allow myself to be his punch bag any longer, and because I'm not coddling him to get him out of his sulking, I think he's really scared that things are changing.
But all these are his problems to fix, or not, as he sees fit. I feel I have to concentrate on my own life right now. I know I don't want to be close to someone who can't treat me with respect.
