Newcomer Looking For Advice

[Strngr!]

Well, let me ask you, do you really believe it is making a huge difference in her feelings toward you? If she has another man in her head, none of that is going to turn things around! So, don't tell her anything. You need not "explain" your decision or actions. DB methods are your tools and not to be shared.

I suppose not but to be honest i was a bit oblivios to her feelings overthe past couple yeara and kind of ignored or sluffed them off. Although i do think i have been generally a pretty helpful loving guy since day one in our relationship just trying harder since i found out about A to help out and show my attention. Id say she didnt always have my attention i payed more attention to sports or hobbies then her.

If she should get mad and throw it back in your face (it will only be b/c you aren't doing the housework or whatever she says to do),

I do agree i should help with the house work and taking care of the little guy S1. Just should be shared 50/50 which i guess currently isnt the case.

Let me ask you, what is the real reason you are working on the house renovations? Be very honest. Is it to make her happy, or please her? Is it your attempt to do something to save the marriage?
In what way would it help you become a better man?

I guess i thought it would make me a better man making me a more handy man. Its something ive alway wanted to do since we move in just simple havent had the time since i was always wither distracted by hobbies of mine or tending to my W. I suppose it is something she would like to see but pleasing her wouldnt be the primary motivation.

By this question, I feel you may not understand how detaching works here. You are the one who detaches. It is for your well being and good mental attitude, as well as to actually help you during this particular stressful time. It does not include her, b/c it is completely done as an individual. And, please do not discuss any of this with your W.

I suppose maybe i didnt understand it well enough. I have read the post but not DR book i do need to get the book. I just though carrying out some of sandi's rules and the theory behind detatchment essentially end up looking the same as me giving her space i was wondering if me moving towards detatchment and following rules will give her fause impression that im giving her space because she wants space is this ok?

It is not the same thing as she is talking about. Besides, what she's saying is what all WW's say when they are in an affair. Sorry, but that's how it is.

I realize its not the same thing just though it might give give her the impression im giving her the space shes asking for and in turn take away some of effectivness of her feeling the loss.

The reason you feel what will work? When you have a WW, you must stop all the catering, and treating her like a princess.

I guess i mean thats why i thought the DB tools will work.

You cannot use the same methods that you ordinarily would use to "improve" your relationship. You cannot believe this cr@p she's throwing at you, b/c it's all a smoke screen.

She did throw the concerns about me not helping out and me not having my priorities straigt before she met this guy but i suppose it doesnt mater now thats all out the window i have lost her attention or she thinks its to little to late and just uses it as her excuss.

Have you read no more mr. nice guy? You can download it, free. It's not very long and I think it would help you see your relationship with your W (and maybe others) as though looking through new glasses. I think the majority of men on the board are typically "nice guy" types. That has a lot to do with the W being wayward, IMO. Please google NMMNG and read it today.

I don't recommend a lot of books, b/c people get confused about various books on M. Neither do I recommend going to a marriage counselor before your W has ended her A, has shown true remorse, apologized, and is really ready to put work into saving the M. It is a waste of time and money.....and a lot of C are not pro-marriage or solution based. It would add more confusion to what you read on the board.

I have not read the book but i downloaded it and started on my lunch today. Thanks again for your advice i appreciate it greatly im feeling better about myself already

[Strngr!]

Just bought DR book shipping to book store near me so W doesnt find it

[Avanti]

The NMMNG is a cracking read, you will learn a lot about how badly you've behaved so far and need to change to ensure future respect from your W and other women for that matter. At the same time you'll start feeling an awful better about yourself and understand how to get a lot more from life.

[Strngr!]

I am a terrible and i broke rule number 10 again spyed on my W's text messages. Im a dummy however it turns out she got in trouble at work for her action causing people to be uncomfortable assuming this applies to her relationship with OM. Guess im just wondering if this is a bad thing or good thing on everyones opinion. And why wouldnt she tell me about this herself ugh! I should have never looked.

[Avanti]

It might be a bad thing it might not be a bad thing, either way it has no meaning unless you give it one.

You aren't terrible or a dummy, we all break the rules once in a while, don't be hard on yourself, you are going through an emotionally tough time the last thing you need is the man inside your head giving you a hard time.

[Strngr!]

Thanks for the pick me up you made me feel alot better. I guess what im actualy wondering about her getting in trouble at work is if that will send further into affair or push her out of it. I suppose it probably depends on the person.

On another note my W this morning was looking over my shoulder at my phone trying to see what I was doing when i was just chilling on the sofa. Is this typical type of behavior from my W that i will see when i start to pull back like i have been doing?

[Avanti]

Thanks for the pick me up you made me feel alot better. I guess what I'm actually wondering about her getting in trouble at work is if that will send further into affair or push her out of it. I suppose it probably depends on the person.

Yep, it may or it may not have an impact. Either way you have no influence so let it go and focus back on you.

On another note my W this morning was looking over my shoulder at my phone trying to see what I was doing when i was just chilling on the sofa. Is this typical type of behavior from my W that i will see when i start to pull back like i have been doing?

Yep, and this is a time to politely but firmly set a boundary saying "Please respect my privacy as I respect yours". If she persists warn her again that her behavior is unacceptable and that you will leave the room if she persists. If she does continue, get up and leave the room.

By doing this kind of thing she will gain a little bit of respect for you, so don't be scared, it's all part of you becoming a new better you.

[Azzork]

SadJeff -
Id like to start talking to you about things other than your wife for a bit.

What are you doing for GAL?

How are you working to be a better father?

[Strngr!]

SadJeff -
Id like to start talking to you about things other than your wife for a bit.

Makes sence its just I havent read DR yet so im a little lost here

What are you doing for GAL?

Planning on going to sign up for gym membership probably saterday. We had some plans with freinds of ours tonight so we will be doing that tonight. I am going out for some drinks and watching some football with some of my freinds from a sport i play. Sunday i play guitar for my church. So ill be there in the morning.

How are you working to be a better father?

I wouldnt say i have to much room to imorove u havw always taken good care if s1 but i have been trying to make a concious effort to get down on the floor with him to play and laugh with him.

[Azzork]

SadJeff -
Id like to start talking to you about things other than your wife for a bit.

Makes sence its just I havent read DR yet so im a little lost here
Thats fine. You dont seem THAT lost.

What are you doing for GAL?

Planning on going to sign up for gym membership probably saterday. We had some plans with freinds of ours tonight so we will be doing that tonight. I am going out for some drinks and watching some football with some of my freinds from a sport i play. Sunday i play guitar for my church. So ill be there in the morning.
GAL is for you. So I wouldnt count stuff that you do with WW. I would recommend starting something new so you can make some new friends. Is there a hobby you always wanted to try? A sport you always wanted to play? An interesting meetup in your area?

How are you working to be a better father?

I wouldnt say i have to much room to imorove u havw always taken good care if s1 but i have been trying to make a concious effort to get down on the floor with him to play and laugh with him.
Even the best father has room to improve. Do you go special places just the two of you? I dont know for sure, but I would think about what a perfect father would do, and see where you might be missing something.