I am not making excuses for what I did. I am responsible for my choices.
In the years that my wife lost her feelings for me I was to some extent depressed and felt trapped in my job. Because of that I self medicated with alcohol.
After 2008 I was so scared of losing my wife and feeling guilty about my bad behavior I became co-dependent. I tried to please her any way I could. I do all the cooking, drove the kids every where and household things like that. I remained depressed while becoming co-dependent.
I read Codependent No More a book by Melody Beattie after BD and my mental meltdown. My co-dependent behavior seems to be triggered by my fear of losing my wife and she divorcing me. I am getting better at it since you mentioned it in your post. I realized it when you mentioned it. I am getting better at managing it because there is very little chance of my wife choosing to remain with me. I believe she has given up on me and the marriage.
I will keep trying and hoping because the sun even shines on a dog's ass occasionally.
Mutatio,
I been reflecting on some posts between you and V, and something struck me. I read the above and see that you timeline your engagement with CD to 2008. My feeling from reading your posts with V is that they were present back when you decided to work for FIL.
Your posts with V indicate your motivation was to provide financial security for your wife and I read this as you felt it was an important way of demonstrating commitment to your wife and marriage.
My sense Mutatio is that for many years your authentic self has been seeking ways to fully express itself. Your self medication through drinking, provided relief from feelings of resentment for not being truely Mutatio. You are good man Mutatio your sense of duty was strong. There was however a cost. You identify that the cost was your wife and family, this is true, but equally there was a cost to YOU.
Has there ever been a time when Mutatio put himself first?
When was the last time you experienced yourself as a good person, a good father, a good husband without guilt and shame? I use guilt and shame has they are the feelings often attached to codependent behaviours and coping strategies.
I don't know how valuable any of these questions are for you Mutuaio. Feel free to ignore my reflections. I honour the fact that sometimes there is limited value in rumaging around in past behaviours when the locus of control and change is in the NOW.
I guess I raise them as I feel that at times you are still fully immersed in being the good dutiful husband and father. If you could just show wife, how sorry you are, how good you are that it would change everything. Maybe this is true.
I don't tend to agree. Your wife has experienced you as the dutiful husband - he was a drinker and angry, she has experienced you as the guilt ridden, dependent, placatory and anticipatory husband (CD behaviours - please know that I am finger pointing at myself too).
I believe that your lovely wife needs to see you strong, masculine, focussed and self engaged. While wife maybe presenting as disinterested and disengaged, a woman can't help but take notice of man who is in the fullness of his masculinity and purpose. This is detachment.
I have to thank you Mutatio for being vulnerable with me, allowing me to share my thoughts and reflections with you. I am learning so much about myself and my own relationships with my intimate others. Much learning for me.
I would like to say too. I am a very senitive soul and my strength IRL or Online has never been the nuts bolts of goal planning and more pragmatic change processes. You will however always get a kind and thoughtful reflection that I hope honours you, your situation and pays respect to the ideals you hold for your wife, family and marriage.
The above is said with much respect and good intent
