Thanks Vanilla - I am so confused!! H texted me AGAIN today about good memories from a trip we took to NYC a few years ago. I am so torn about what to do. I also got an email from lawyer about coming in to sign papers to value our pensions and assets for separation purposes. I DON'T WANT TO!!! This goes against every fiber of my being Yet at the same time I know H is screwing (and living with) this younger woman and possibly cheating on her with another married woman. What is wrong with me?
Jpeg, like most of us here, you love your husband. You love your husband unconditionally. What a gift! I can't save mine right now, but I make a point of reminding the kids every so often that I still love him, worry about him, and pray for him. My husband's parents divorced when he was very young. I suspect his childhood was much worse than I'm aware. This MLC has to run its course. Your H is having moments of clarity. Mine does, too, occasionally before sinking back down in the muck.
I don't want to be divorced. I have to go live with my mother for a while. Literally being thrown away...I understand how you feel. In your case, a D will help protect you financially. You can keep your assets safe. You can stop him, legally, from taking OW to cottage. You can always remarry later, if that is what is meant to be. Divorce doesn't have to mean the end.
I remind the kids I still love H because I hate D. I think it's too easy to get. Too many people treating marriage as a "for now" kind of thing. I hope they learn from watching him mess up over and over again, while I stand strong and silent, loving and praying, until he hopefully wakes up one day. I really love him enough to do that. I want my kids to see at least one parent honoring and keeping their vows. Hopefully if a stressful time in marriage comes along in their future, they can choose to live with integrity, having witnessed the flip side, living on emotion.
You'll be ok, Jpeg. It's just an awful situation. You are a wonderful, warm, caring woman with plenty of strength to meet the challenge.
Lets look at that confusion! Really there isn't any confusion, it would be better if there was. Only ostriches put their head in the sand. I sense you are other than confused, in my view denying. Not facing the pain.
H texted me AGAIN today about good memories from a trip we took to NYC a few years ago. I am so torn about what to do.
Temperature checking so he gets what he wants. I think it's very clear. If he wanted to R with you that too would be clear.
I also got an email from lawyer about coming in to sign papers to value our pensions and assets for separation purposes.
So you are denying yourself info? WH is wasting assets for a good time and you don't want to know. It's your future and that of your children at risk, if this s your stance then be deliberate about it take the consequences when there are no assets to live in retirement. Your choice take the consequences and accept responsibility for not knowing!
I DON'T WANT TO!!!
That goes for most of us and yet we do protect ourselves. I don't want to have fillings in my teeth but if I don't I get abscesses. So I have the fillings.
This goes against every fiber of my being
This needs examining in greater detail. Denial is a stage of grief, Google Kubler Ross grief cycle. Go get real life IC to discuss denial. Reality bites but at this point reality in big doses is needed. Getting Intel and info isn't D, it's Intel and info. It's like knowing your cholesterol, blood pressure etc, it's the diagnosis not the treatment. Saying yes to this isn't saying yes to D!
Yet at the same time I know H is screwing (and living with) this younger woman and possibly cheating on her with another married woman.
Think of it this way if you and WH do ever get back together you will be living on your half of the assets. Likely his half will be gone. My WH is a compulsive gambler so get it. If you have a history of ignoring your fins its unfamiliar, that's all it is.
What is wrong with me?
In my view denial. Every sitch has it, that is why it is the first part of the grief cycle, and it's there for a purpose, reading your sitch you have been there for a long time and you are comfortable there.
It isn't "wrong", and neither are you.
Denial is a state like excitement or depression, that's all, and it can change. However reality may wake you very suddenly and sharply, it s better to wake yourself first, you can do that with gentleness rather than a bucket of cold water.
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I sound brutal and that's not my intention. I want to wake you to the worst case scenario. It wouldn't feel OK to me not to extent that friendship to you.
Think of this as having an in growing toenail treated. A sharp painful treatment to resolve a long term agonising problem. Either that or face gangrene in 10 years time and have the toe removed. You don't have to like it or want it, and I think you will have to be an adult and emotionally mature. Go do it, it's only signatures not a life commitment.
Try googling Joan Sodkin on prosperity, to examine why you deny your financial future. She has two MP3 worth listening to as a starter, one s about financial shame and the other is about creating your financial realty.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/12/1511:50 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Oh Judy. Thank you so much. After crying most of the night (in between watching goofy videos to try and cheer myself up and making cookies and eating too much of the cookie dough) your kind compassionate words where just what I needed. Thank you:)
Was it chocolate chip cookie dough?!? I will do lots of things for chocolate chip cookie dough...sigh.
You're most welcome, Jpeg. I meant every word. I just wish we could all meet one day...although this type of communication is pretty undiluted. The actions of a WH do such damage to the LBS. I get so irritated when I hear (rarely) "sorry" or "I'm not trying to hurt you." Really?
My heart has been ripped out and stomped on. My self-esteem is in shambles. My youth was spent on H, and he rewards me by replacing me with someone younger? Gah. It's really hard NOT to take it personally. It's hard not to hate him for doing this.
You're so good with your children. You reach out to others. You clearly care about your H, even though he's acting like a butt-head. You show who you are in the things you share here. Your husband was lucky to have you, Jpeg. I hope he wakes up one day and you guys can reconcile. It seems so much like a fantasy, but it happens!
No matter what, just stay true to you and who you are. You are a jewel, irreplaceable and quite wonderful.
Vanilla- not rude, but for me very hard to hear. Perhaps I am still in denial. I just know that I will not compromise my beliefs, morals or ethics. But yes I will look after the kids financially, that is why I have retained a lawyer
Judy - it was chocolate chip cookie dough!!!! I too wish we could sit together a really talk. Sometimes I am just too emotionally exhausted to even type. Anyway, I hope your time with your mother will be good for you. I know my mother and sisters have been my lifeline through all this - and of course, my kids.
I have been thinking a lot about your last few words "no matter what, just stay true to who you are" - this has really stuck with me. I am the better person in all this and the kids know it. Even tonight they are all home - we had a family dinner - roast with all the fixings - hearing them all in this house... This is family, this is love and H is missing all this and is in some dumpy apartment with OW who is co planning about me
Jpeg, I think we are all in denial and thank God we have V to push us along in our journey. I don't know why your H is texting you, but he isn't acting in your best interest so you do need to protect yourself. Please follow the advice you are getting from those who have been there. I am sorry for your situation, so happy you have your family to surround you with love right now.
